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Grand Theft Tree! January 7, 2010

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
7 comments

(Not another save the Mau plea. Though it does bug me.)

Mtoto akililia wembe mpe.

So said the wise guys who were chilling by the beach as they watched a stubborn 5-year old almost butcher himself with a razor blade. The mother wasn’t too amused by that wise crack.

Moving on.

We prayed. We sacrificed. Actually we didn’t but if it were the times of Moze we would have. We were desperate. We were not going to be picky. We’d take anything. So evidently the big guy up top, either coz he was fed up of us heathens manically crying for rains, he unleashed some nasty storm upon us.

It was the el-nino that the weatherman had predicted (for once), the very one we had chosen to settle for seeing that the rains, well, let’s just say they wouldn’t shed a drop for us.

Building roofs were blown off. Mabatis everywhere. Cars were washed away. Some humans too. Billboards bore a message of mass destruction. Trees too, just like their cousins in Mau, were going.

Water water everywhere except in that damn dam, which quenches and sheds light on us thirsty in-the-dark Nairobians.

I must say devastation was everywhere. But for some guys, give them a lemon, they gon’ make lemonade.

Marto is one of these guys.

Now Marto was huko cruising in the mtaani dodging trees and flying cars, when this monstrosity of a tree fell where many could hear. And yep he got to hear of it too.

Come the next day, as guys were taking stock of the damage, and kanjo was huko wekaring kando trees that were not chonjo, Marto got his power saw, jumped into his Canter (that’s what we call all ‘pickups’ that are not as small as kawa pickups and not as big as trucks) and zoomed off in the direction of the fallen tree aforementioned.

He’s a chapchap dude. He calculated that before kanjo could mobilize guys from arresting Nairobians for sneezing, he’d be done with that tree. He arrived fast, much to the delight of the neighbourhood. Funny, each resident thought a kind neighbour had okoad jahazi and placed a call to kanjo concerning the fallen tree.

We will never know.

Cutting a short story even shorter, Marto proceeded to cut up the tree, with the highly appreciated assistance from the residents, into manageable pieces. He then loaded them onto his ‘canter’. He thanked them plus for good measure threw in a good word for kanjo.

“Tuko hapa kuwasaidia. Kumbukeni kanjo iko chonjo”

The people cheered.

And with those few words Marto drove off with a stolen tree.

Deck the halls. October 29, 2009

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
9 comments

This carol sounds just right.

Interesting ever since I could talk the carols have been with me. My mum, even before I was an idea, was filled with carols. My twin, feeling the joy in the air has a special carol for us. I too feeling touched had one. But I never found the right words for that carol. And now, as thee time approaches carols are everywhere.

At the work place.

At the feeding place.

Even as I enjoy my fruits, not of labour, I can’t help notice the carols.

Was it a sign?

‘coz now as the glorious journey gets to its midway point, I have a carol to sing till the sun sets.

Do you have a carol?

K.I.S.S. B-wise October 26, 2009

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
4 comments

Keeping It Simple Stupid – Blogwise

One story in as few words as possible. And not 299.

I’ve always been the quiet type, so why am i saying much.

Jesus Wept. Time for, “modo to sweat”

It’s my new challenge,  just want to see if i can bring back my blogging psych. If i can’t hack it, you’ll see the shortest post ever…

“FAILED”

Wish me luck! Updates as soon as suddenly.

A game for rats! April 22, 2009

Posted by modoathii in fools-ball, rodents.
9 comments

I could hear Arsenal unleashing all it’s arsenal, quite successfully one minute, and quite unsuccessfully the next against the men who stood United. On another channel unseen by anyone, the fools were walking alone down the painful road of defeat.

Quite close to home, at home actually, a live ‘game’ was in progress.

We catch the action live in the 2nd minute. Your commentator Modo!

Modo: Thank you! We join the action with the stubborn away team visiting this hallowed ground for the umpteenth time.

They have won many a match in this spacious stadium. Will they be successful today.

The game hasn’t gone very far, when in sneaks the crafty Ratinho, unnoticed into the opponent’s territory.

But, just as he is about to score, he is spotted and challenged.

He retreats to reorganize his offence. However, the opponent, a wily fellow called Mo has called already dibs on this one.

Mo blocks his path of retreat or advance, depending on how you look at it.

Ratinho, a very young and skilled but inexperienced player, tries dodging left, but Mo sticks out a foot and tackles him.

Ratinho ducks the other way, but Mo is on him like black on your hands after handling charcoal. Mo now has him cornered and unleashes a fierce shot…

OH, WHAT A STRIKE …

Ratinho, isn’t amoused.

He gets up and stretches his neck. Mo takes a step back to give himself room to defend the home ground advantage he has. (Later Mo, would admit at a press conference that Ratinho kinda scared him with that surprise move)

Ratinho, rushes forward, fakes left, skids and goes right…just as he is about to get away from his marker, Mo swings out his arms…

Ratinho looks at the referee for help…

Big mistake. One, the referee, isn’t looking, two, the linesman has his line of vision blocked…and that slight moment of distraction is what Mo needs.

He lashes out with his right foot and slams Ratinho, SMACK, into the wall…

Yeah, wall…kwani?

Alaa, kwani you think there was referee? Ama a soccer game? Bilas, just me and this ka-small rat, whose away matches were about to come to an end…

Ratinho, groggy and shaking his cobwebs (and that’s not a metaphor or phrase) gets up…but one more lethal kick, does the trick.

Mo – 1 : Rat(inho) – Left for dead!

(Oh by the way, Arse ‘n’ all lost to ManUre, but who cares. Not the rat. Not I)

Which Doctor? March 24, 2009

Posted by modoathii in comeback, revival.
25 comments

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

“We’ve lost him”

‘Who’s gonna tell him the news?’

‘Well you’re the doc…’

‘Why do I always get the worst jobs. Isn’t it enough that I “killed”, now I have to be informer…jeez’

The doctor walks through the double doors leading out of the theatre towards Marto. Marto looks up and the doctor’s face says it all…

“I’m sorry! We did the best we could.”

Now in normal circumstances, Marto should be crying and screaming uncontrollably, but no…

“OK!”

“Okay? Excuse, that’s your friend lying there on the operating table.”

“Was.”

“Was?”

‘Was my friend.’

The doc looks around bewildered.

‘Can you believe this guy?’

Marto walks into the OR. He walks to the ice-cold-as-ideal-mix-of-vodka body of Modo. He looks up at the IV…

“What’s in here?”

“Water.”

‘What? And you wonder why he’s dead? Jeez, ulinunua PhD yako? Kwani what do you think the V in IV is for?”

“Er…”

“VODKA, dude, VODKA!”

Marto reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a ka-half.

“What…what are you doing?”

“Reviving him”

“You can’t…he’s my patient”

“Doc, he’s a corpse. He’s Peter’s problem.”

He thinks about what he’s just said…

“Actually, Peter isn’t bothered. This dude has a gate pass to hell”

Marto rips off the cord from the IV and puts it into the ka-half. He then inserts the other end into Modo’s mouth.

For a second there he contemplates putting it in the other opening.

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

GLUG….

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

GLUG!

TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE….

BEEP…

BEEP…

BEEP…

“HE’S ALIVE!”

Curtains June 25, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
42 comments

This is a collection of short stories.

 

SLOW: MOOD SWINGS AHEAD!

So, who’s with me?

Who agrees with me that women should walk around with mood billboards the size of egos, and have a PR guy follow them around, warning the world of their shifty moods? The PR guy is to make sure you don’t get the mood wrong.

JEEZ! Clearly I’m not good at reading ‘signs’.

Mazee, today, I went to ask some chick who’s in charge of some project if I could skive her project presentation so I could for the Safcom marathon at Lewa. BOSSSSSS!

“Good morning?” I asked pleasantly to warm her.

“Hallo” She replied coldly to warn me.

Brrrrr! “So I, er, understand there’s a presentation tomorrow…Friday? Er, am I in it?”

“Yes.”

C-c-c-c-cold. Man what’s with her. At this point. I walk away coz the big sign, which I’m about to ignore, says “DON’T TALK TO ME.”

I pause at her door thinking heck, let me try and break the ice with a joke.

Guys, word of advice, never try breaking ice with a joke. Use an ice pick. Or in this case just leave it be. I tried…

“Aaaa, so unaelewa kuna vile tunaenda kulewa kule Lewa na____”*

“I DON’T CARE!”

What happened next was a blur. All I remember is that it felt as if I had stuck my head out the window of a fast moving car. My face was flushed and my dreads were, you know, winded. 

So no LEWAring for me at LEWA, mnaeLEWA? Juu mi sielewi vile kusoma signs.**

 

Glossary

*Aaaa, so do you know guys are going drinking in Lewa.

**So no drinking for me at Lewa, understand? Coz I don’t know how to read signs. Best said in swa.

 

HAWKING IN THE LEAFY SUBURBS!

Fifty bob! Hamsini! Hamsini! Fifty bob!

Okay in this case the stock is cheaper, 25 or 30 bob depending on the markets.

But this isn’t the stock market people…this is the snack market.

Yep. Due to some…actually I don’t know how I got myself into this fix.

Here is a brief history.

While with Ann Yolanda I had a healthy appetite and a wallet to match. As others were consuming snacks worth a measly 7 sok, at most a G, per month, I checked in with a whooping 3.5K bill.

I moved up to celebrity status. The snack’s lady had found a gold mine. She could now dream of moving her kids from Free-8-then-fo-fo-fo system to ile ya wazungu (GCE). She was making it big time. Profit margins were in a percentage only Safcom understand (note I said percentage) Rumor had it because business was sooooo good she had also planned an IPO. And being a JJ she had pictured a hummer. But she don’t say.

But Jane Waithera called and, well, it was a sad history. Business went down, she had to fire someone, 8-4-4 ya wazungu was out and IPO, haipo. As for hummer….eish, unless nihame tena.

Since she was good to me, like 20kg good, I said I’d scout for her business wherever I was going.

Now here I am. Selling snacks. In the office huku Racecourse Karen. Competing successfully against ana’a lady who was there before but customers complained that her product was baaaaad! Now for her business is slow. She still doesn’t know I’m the one who’s doing her in.

The day I disappear for long and you find me in a ditch with a samosa up my throat (I’m praying she won’t put it in my arse) just know she knows.

Gats to go, customers are calling. Samosas anyone?

 

WHAT’S YOUR HANGOVER MADE OF?

This is the (short) story of the chick who found us generously downing vodoski at Marto’s place.

After watching us teremshaing with glee she asked for some too. Now Marto wasn’t feeling this chick. He never has. And he wasn’t about to lose precious vodo to this chick.

But he had no choice. Maboys told him to wekea her some dose.

Reluctantly he grabbed a glass and wekad a healthy amount. The chick said she’ll chapa (drink) it with coke. Marto smiled.

The chick took a sip and winced. “It’s strong, but sawa tu.”

Marto’s smile got ‘louder’.

The aftee wore on and the wench after a few many tots started saying she’s feeling tipsy.

Marto SOLed. (What? Oh, he Smiled out Loud)

Night checked in with all the passwords, and our heroine had had too much too drink, she claimed she was now high.

Marto ROFS (Come on, you guys are bloggers, you know this one)

She stood up swaying and staggered out of Marto’s crib. The next day she called us and she complained of a massive hangover.

Marto could take it no more. He ROFSHAO.

All this time we were looking at Marto wondering why the loud smiles. Kumbe, Marto instead of mixing for her vodo and coke…

…was putting WATER AND COKE!

We ROFLOAO!

 

STALKERS!

Why doesn’t it happen to me? Why? Why? Why?

You know those stalkers who usually call and they just breathe into the phone? The ones who even though you put them near a booming tenje they just ‘listen’? Well my pal has one. And I don’t.

Okay, listen, I know it’s some scary shit and all. Especially, if it’s a dude. But it’s a chick and I’m thinking, week one I’ll want to know who be you, then when I know your game, I’m gon’ play with you…and you don’t want to play with us creative types. I mean think about it, everyday will be a challenge for me to be more creative to piss them off.

How cool is that? And imagine the endless blog stories.

And at this point I’m dragged back to my padded cell.

 

CURTAINS!

I have some sad news.

I am taking a hiatus…a longer one, this time. And…unfortunately I may not return.

The couch has served its purpose, it’s now time to step aside and you know, wachia wengine. I started it as a challenge and I have achieved what I set out to achieve.

I’ve met a few bloggers, become friends, loved some, had tiffs with others…actually I haven’t, but the whole journey has been great. I now have to take my bow, and take my leave. I leave you in the able hands of other worthy bloggers. Y’all know them.

I have a serious dent in mojo, helped massively, actually, helped exclusively by time constraints. I have no time to even read your posts. But I’ll be around reading and enjoying them great blogs out there. So mkiona modo something or other, msalimie…

Be easy.

Keep blogging (from someone who isn’t..heheheh)

Modo taking leave!

Exit stage left!

I’m still thinking of the other girl! May 21, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
41 comments

Six years ago I got into a relationship with…let’s call her Jane, Jane Waithera Thairu. My relationship with Jane was great. And really fulfilling. But after five years, I decided to end it.

I needed out. I needed to, be with other people and see how it was.

Of course, she wasn’t pleased. She tried everything. She cried. She cajoled. She even tried to throw money at me.

She had more money than me. Okay I confess I was living off her. Who wouldn’t.

But, this new chick, Ann Yolanda, Now Anne Yolanda ‘Naitore’ Riungu, had more cash. More cash to throw around. Plus she gave me opportunity to grow. With her I was my own boss. Well, a little. But I could do what i wanted.

I never told Jane my reason for leaving. She suspected I was after the money.

She wasn’t totally wrong.

Okay, Okay. I admit, I’m a gold-digga. I dare you to say you ain’t. Finish the story and you’ll see why I say this. (By the way, this story has already gotten me in trouble thus far…but I beg, finish and you’ll understand)

So anyway, my relationship with Ann Yolanda was great. Of course, initially it wasn’t all smooth, but after an year it was all right. Then…

Jane called.

Memories flooded back.

My heart warmed.

She was crying. (okay, she was forceful)

She threw money at me.

You guessed it, I warmed more.

You see, for me, getting monetary satisfaction from these kind of people is my motivation. They have dosh to throw around…so why not screw with it. And hey, if it helps me grow to be a better person, why not?

Back to the story.

The only problem was, Jane wanted me back ASAP. Apparently, she had found a replacement who wasn’t satisfying her, you know, properly. She was desperate. Just as I like ’em.

She needed me. WOW!

Now how to tell Ann Yolanda.

SHE CAUSED!

and caused.

Sad, it had to be. I was going back to my previous love. Jane was kinda good to me. Ann Yolanda wasn’t.

Now I’m back with Jane Waithera Thairu. BUT….

I can’t stop thinking about Ann Yolanda ‘Naitore’ Riungu. Let it be a lesson to y’all, Never get into a relationship immediately you leave one.

With that lesson, can someone please explain this to my new boss at JWT. He totally refused to give me a ‘dumping’ period. Even a week. He wanted me to start work for him immediately, at a better pay of course, but I needed a period to get over the place I used to be.

Now, I keep thinking about AY ‘n’ R.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehheheehehehe

10,000 BC… May 7, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
24 comments

Hairy man, dressed in one-month old mammoth skin, sitting on most comfortable rock spots equally hairy woman dressed in the latest sabre-tooth skin dress walking by. He get nice feeling and beneath the hairy mammoth skin, hairy snake rises.

“Ooooga moooga?” He asks his fellow hairy man.

“Mooga oo oo ooooo!!” His pal replies and smacks his lips.

Hairy man, lifts his crude weapon. (The Swahili and every Kenyan in general calls it a rungu) They still had not discovered smooth…well…ehee…

He approaches the so-to-speak sexy woman from an angle.

Woman blushes red.

He whacks her on the head.

Woman gushes red.

Mr. Man (they didn’t know how to speak so clearly they couldn’t give names) grabs ‘sexy’ mama by the hair. Luckily for our Mr. Man, the women were yet to discover salons ama kuna vile huyo msee would never have been able to grab any normal blooded woman’s hair like that. Anyway, he grabs her, by the hair, and drags the love-struck and club-struck woman to his cave and declares…

OOOGA!

 

1800 AD

My great great great great great great great great (etc) grandfather (one ‘great’ is coz he was indeed a great fellow) is chilling with his boys, on a comfortable rock, dressed in fresh goat-skin taking care of the herd. (Sample the dogs that always follow him around). He’s a ka-young fellow and clearly they are the village handies (runs in the family).

Shortly they hear sweet angelic voices as the village damsels waltz their way to the river giggling and laughing.

“Great-to-the-power-of-ten” grand zakes and his boys look through the bushes and spy the most beautiful chicks ever. They get inspired and aroused (I would too if I espied a topless girl), but “great-power-ten” grand zakes reacts quickest. While the others are deciding on who to grab for who, my rela has huko rukad mapema mapema and gone and grabbed the most beautiful one of them all.

He carries her on his shoulders and quickly runs home. He bursts into his fathe’s house and declares…

WIFE!

 

2008 – the year of the Lord and the year of smarter, more tactful fellows, except…

…except this buffoon who is sitting on his comfortable stool, not rock, at a bar sipping on his tanye (ehem, Tusker) and talking to his boys. In walks this fly arse mama (in our company). Him and his boys are er…excited. So instead of this jamaa swinging and sambaza-ing his lyrics like every modern man, he opts for the “traditional” approach.

This is his plan…

There’s a road trip out of town which we (including fly-arse) have pangad. Then apparently buffoon, who is a friend of our friend, decides he’s also coming. Over a few pints our idiot pal and fly-arse get conversing…but jamaa bado hasn’t angushad lines.

Anyway, come weekend and safari goes without a hitch and we reach destination town where we link up with…our pal and buffoon. It gets dark and buffoon, okay, I’ll call him Jack…but I hope you will appreciate the tact of not calling him JERK!….so Jack runs off and starts booking rooms for us. He doesn’t know our sleeping arrangement (since anyway we did comewith fly-arse in the same ride)….but he’s decided he’s smarter.

Since he can’t katia (lyric assault) this mama, he decides to force her to sleep in his room. How? He books one room less hoping since the mama will have nowhere to sleep she will ‘join’ him.

I know it’s 2008. I was surprised too.

What Jack forgot was that, this chick was in her home area. Anajuana na kila mtu mpaka bar-maid, hawezi kosa place ya kulala. (argh, she knows everyone in that town including the barmaid, so she can’t miss a place to sleep) So Jack as we all know slept solo and his pals all declared in unison…

KABANG!

But really, I thought this style of getting a chiley to sleep with you went out of fashion.

Aw well, barbarians never die.

 

*kabang – means in a nutshell, he never got any.

Modo’s Mojo’s Moda’d April 30, 2008

Posted by modoathii in uninspired.
22 comments

I’m feeling mathogothanio. Nothing to do with the heart and soul.

I’m feeling unmotivated. Everything to do with heart and soul.

I’m in the blogger bog.

I don’t feel like thinking. Saving on brain mileage.

I’m feeling like the Kenyan politicians….NOTHING!

I’m bored out of my wits. Which is strange coz I’m without.

I’m bila vibe. Marto has gone AWOL on me. AWOL for Marto means he is behaving. I think he got himself a gal. SHARE THE LOVE BRO!

Even the comics I read to unwind aren’t helping. Maybe they will help you.

*point to note* I’m not depressed. I’m just not motivated.

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVE A GREAT LABOUR WEEKEND!

Four better or four worse… April 16, 2008

Posted by modoathii in tag.
24 comments

This is a post I tried avoiding but Sybella and Valentia (shaking fist…LOL!) insisted….SAAAAWAAA!

FOUR JOBS I HAVE WORKED

1. Teacher (who taught for 5 minutes)
2. Copywriter
3. Editor (of the first and only estate magazine)
4. Artist/painter/designer for hire

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. Shrek (I know it word for word)
2. Ratatouille (I’ve never loved a rat – Marto doesn’t count – like I love this one)
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. The Prestige, Snatch, Cars

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED

Since I haven’t left the country long enough to ‘live’…
1. Limuru
2. Wangige
3. Kibera
4. Nairobi West
…na bado!

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE

1. The Pretender
2. Hustle
3. My name is Earl
4. (okay, I’m not big on TV series’)

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION

1. Mombasa
2. Kampala
3. Dar
4. Towns around Kenya…many more to go

FOUR OF MY FAVOURITE FOODS

1. Not pumpkin
2. Not cooked bananas…though the fried ones in UG were awesome
3. Kenchic chicken…only when I’m from a rave.
4. I very well eat anything…except 1 and especially 1

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE NOW

1: With her (no link…and, don’t bother mousing over)
2: Not in the office definitely
3: Not home either
4: Anywhere I’ve never been

Then the creative Tandra went and did a different one (shaking fist)….YIKES….

FOUR JOBS I WOULD LOVE TO WORK!

1. Journalist
2. Trucker – Seriously, not coz of the pay, but coz of the ‘touring’. Hmmm, i don’t think then I’d ever get any deliveries done.
3. UN, or even Red Cross
4. A jobo where my money is now working for me…payback time.

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD LOVE TO DIRECT
All four, and however many more, will have to be my own obviously.

waiiit instead… FOUR PEOPLE/STEREOTYPES I WOULD WRITE OUT OF THE SCRIPT

1. The African, Chinese or whoever who insists on being in my movie but since I can’t pay him, I have to kill him early in the movie.
2. The silly characters who even in the eye of danger are still ‘filming’ and doing silly things unnatural. So clearly Cloverfield would never have happened if it was on my watch. I mean honestly, you’re under attack but you are holding the camera and still shooting, and he ain’t the reporter or anything. WTF?
3. Steven Siegel and all the freaking rappers who try to act with or without him.
4. Woody Allen, I don’t know. I don’t hate him, just guys don’t like him, so why not join them. heheheheh….

PLACES I WOULD LOOOVE LOOOOOVE TO LIVE OR AT LEAST VISIT

1. Jamaica. Stereotypical curiosity.
2. The French or English countryside. The green vastness calls out to me. France I added to the list coz of Ratatouille. Hey blame the rat…
3. Japan. No idea why. Maybe just so that everyday my neighbour Nokosodi Kumamoto (and others) can make my day by just introducing himself.
4. Switzerland. Just coz she said it was a nice place.

FOUR TV SHOWS/ SERIES I’D LOVE TO BE ON THE SET FOR

Jeez Tandra, what the?

1. Friends
2. Scrubs

Eish, after being on sets for ads, I know it’s a tiring and tedious process…so please just show me the finished product….wait…

3. Cobra Squad – I just want to know how exactly they got away with such bad acting. Was the director asleep? Juiced? You know what, for this one, don’t even show me the finished product.

4. Porn flick – I want to see how the cameramen and sound guys, er, hold it down.


FOUR PLACES I WOULD LIKE TO GO ON VACATION

1. Italy
2. Egypt, via the Nile
3. Any town in Kenya, I’ve never been to…just so that I can club like crazy since no one knows me…so is that really a vacation
4. Pack up my Land Rover and just explore, (with pals, but mostly with the ‘one who loves going’)

Actually for me, anywhere I’ve never been before is good enough.

FOUR FOODS I WOULD KILL TO LEARN TO COOK

Okay, this is…I mean, why would I want to kill anyone, and so that I can learn to COOK?

Now who to tag…crap, hate this bit too. haiya, betty, phassie, archie, bomseh, 1nt3ll1g3n514! shucks 1nt3l has already been tagged…so what say you gish?

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