Who am I…the deadly seven

Kwanza kuna vile nilingachanikiwa kuona nimetagiwa…now what the? Methu the sellah, wewe! Nimekuwekea Unwanted Ati sasa ni lazima ni unleash mavitu saba za me? Wacha nijaribu. Of course, top on many guys lists is what’s my name? And what do I look like? Poleni. Mimi ni mimi. I’m a simple dude. And here are my deadly seven…

1: “Who are you?”

No one knows me, yet everyone thinks they do. First I have a million and one names, and I’ve once heard two guys discussing the same person without knowing it’s the same person. And I’m always ROTFLMAO! And I never tell them. Modoathii, is the wild and crazy me, he’ll do anything and everything you don’t expect. Fearless and daring. When called by my other ‘certain name’, you get the easy, relaxed me. He wears jeans and hangs out a lot. Has fun, laughs a lot and takes nothing seriously. Call me by my “Official name” you get a total stranger. It’s the official me. He’ll be found in meetings, court rooms and police stations. Is too serious for life. He never goes anywhere. Never takes chances. Usually if you know “official name” first, you’ll only know him for a few very short minutes then “certain name” will fight his way and take over…and that’s the real me. He’s the six below…and more…

2: “Modoathii yuko wapi?”

That’s me. Master Dodger of the limelight! There’s nothing I hate more than being the ‘master piece’. Anything that will make me stick out like a stray dog’s willies I will try and avoid (like this post). During a harambee, never make the mistake of making me a master of ceremony, I won’t show up. And if I do come I’ll conveniently slip away just before you call me. Wedding na funeral sijui nitafanya. In a crowd of more than two humans, I’m the quiet one. Usually sitting there wrongly misleading everyone into thinking I’m a quiet good boy (which I am, anyway) until we are just the two of us. I’ll sit back and study the group, just want to confirm what kind of madness they subscribe to…So it’s no wonder I can fit in any crowd. Snobbish, nitakua. Marowdy, nitakua. Maholy, nitakua. Mabhangi…nikose?

3. “Don’t ask me how you look in that!”

I’m the most honest idiot around. I think I am. In fact thanks to my honesty I have lost many a girlfriend. Never ask me for an honest opinion. You will get it. And it comes out in such a matter of fact way that you think me outright uncaring. I don’t like lying, though I love exercising my creativity by telling half-truths. Catch me with my pants down though and you have the truth, unedited, flowing like tuskers.

4. “Sawa, I’ll do it!”

If you hear this statement after I have shown resistance to your request, just know it won’t be done. Or it will be done, eventually…even if it’s a month later. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very helpful guy. I go out of my way to help others more than myself. All you have to do is ask nicely. Don’t come demanding it be done. And if it’s unreasonable, I’ll show resistance to do it, and if you insist, nitasema tu “sawa” ndio uniondokee, lakini jua tu, haifanywi.

5. “Twende!”

That’s my reaction to every and any plot. Modoathii twende carni? Twende! Modoathii twende UG? Twende. In this case, Modo tuhepe job (says the zungz)? Twende! So long as the plot has ‘raha’ written all over it, ‘modoathii’ will be all over it. I never care who is going, what the plot is…hizo tutajulia mbele. Guys know. I’m usually on plot lists even without being asked. In future, I foresee trouble when a mama comes into the picture. Itabidi ajipange. I’m too much of a free spirit.

6. “Sipigi!”

I’m a jeans and tee-shirt kind of guy. Reason sipendi kupiga pasi. But once in a rare while I’ll reluctantly turn on the iron and I’ll be seen in a shirt. But never f**ked in. My ideal jeans, torn or dirty, whichever comes first. And faded. Naturally faded. Hakuna ati designer Fulani kule okoi anapitisha Jik, du.. I don’t like crispy new clothes. I hate smelling like a shop. Usitake kuona what I used to do when I was in primo. Sina time ya urembo mob. Shower, wear cleanest shirt, wear pararad jeano, chapa marashi ya undercover (not the prominent), chapa open ama simple njums and bounce away…five minutes dressing…max.

7. “You worry!”

My favourite and famous line. Why do guys worry about other people? Why do people worry about their problems? Why worry? Every problem has a solution, every! So instead of worrying about how broke you are, move on. Two days later you’ll still be broke. Fifteen days later you’ll be paid. So why worry? Instead of worrying for 17 days about kusota, move on. Just know somehow you will get by, don’t worry how, and just get by. It’s also my favourite line when guys are hassling me about my business, which is none of theirs.

Bonus…

“It’s morning!”
This is my happiest moment. It explains why I’m always the happy child everyday and everywhere I go. I woke up, that’s the best news I could get any day. People always ask me why I’m always happy, my answer, “I woke up.” What more could one ask? Na sio ati naogopa kifo…ishna! Ikikuja ije…you worry!

Bottom line, I’m a simple yet complex guy who goofs a lot, always keeps his word, loves to do things differently (I’m a creative unataka ni-do?), cares less, worries zero, fears only hurting others, is scaringly (sic) honest, who enjoys life to the fullest, loves lurking in the shadows and will over 90% of the time have a smile on his face. Which brings me to my picture…

I can’t post my face. Reason being, this isn’t Modoathii. Modoathii haonekanangi. Hana sura.

Who do I tag who hasn’t been tagged? Nusu Mbili, Bantutu , Wanja Shoodren, Mocha, and so on and so forth…William Tell where are you…drat, TAGGED!