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A day in the life of a non-mungiki June 19, 2007

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
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There’s this guy I know who people think is Mungiki. He looks like one. But doesn’t smell like one. And definitely doesn’t behave like one. He’s not into collecting heads alongside matatu fees.

This is a day, one of the many, in his non-mungiki life.

He wakes up with a start every morning and not because of the alarm clock. It’s non-existence. It’s mysterious. He always wakes up between 6 and 6.30. No matter what. (He once visited me at my ‘daktari-wa-kutibu-kila-kitu klinik’ but couldn’t help him much). He also wakes up all drenched in sweat. Another unsolved mystery, since it’s freezing and ‘heat’ is something alien to his blanket. And every morning as usual he reaches under his pillow to retrieve his modo-bile (Hallo Modo!). This morning it informs him it’s 6.24 in the AM. Long after the cock has crowed.

Unfortunately, there’s no morning glory today. Oh, but what a glorious morning!

And just as he does every morning (he should have gotten used to it by now), he lies in bed with his eyes shut and his mind half asleep to do the math.

The Math

He’s required at the office at 9am. Meaning, he needs to grab a 33-Mombasa Road mathree from Kenol at around…erm…8.15? (Yawns a yes) Meaning, he needs to be in a number nane mat (from home) at around 7.45. Meaning also he needs to be leaving his digs at around 7.30.

And eventually meaning he can sleep on till 6.45. Tweddy minutes? Bliss!

(The calculus at a glance…15 minutes for the water to heat and an additional 30 to shower, step his teeth, comb…wait scratch that, apply Kimbo, take a snap on his Modo-bile to check himself-no mirrors pliz, and other miscellaneous stuff…when done it’s usually 7.30)

So our fellow, hugs the blanket tighter, ‘chews’ air and goes back to sleep.

Shortly, (so he thinks) he wakes with a start again. This time he doesn’t reach for his Modo-bile. He jumps straight out of bed almost knocking himself out. Our brother, like every other brother, due to some amusing dreams always wakes at “attention”. Since he sleeps like Tarzan…commando, he was about to have a ‘head’-on-collision, so to speak.

He was supposed to have slept ’til 6.45. But it’s now, 7.05.

Mandingo

No panic though. Mandingo here (he’ll stop being called that when the ‘post’ goes down…which unlike the ‘gadget’ won’t be long) So, Mandingo doesn’t panic. This guy is cooler than the Nakumatt shoshobazcombined.

He just maneuvers his way to his water kettle scratching his nether regions. He says “you must confirm you woke up with them. You have to be sure some ‘chokora‘ didn’t make away with your rod and sacks”.

He has 15 minutes to boil his bath water. That’s an extra 15 minutes of shut-eye. An important part of his day.

Y-front

Shower done with (it always surprises him how his bar soap always lathers well) he moves to the next stage…dressing. Usually it takes him five seconds to dress. Jeans, T-shirt and of course he doesn’t want to forget his Y-front. First it’s a gift from one of his better halves. Second, Mungikis are notorious for not wearing underwear so to make sure he’s not confused for one, he must wear one. And boxers are out of the question. Some crazy guy may confuse them for swimming trunks (the disadvantages of buying ngothas Gikomba…’mbao mbao chupi!’) He can’t take that risk.

He dives into his ‘closet’ and sifts through the clean and the dirty ones. Today he’s looking for the ‘clean’ ones. By ‘clean’ I mean the ones he can wear/rewind. If it were Sunday he would be looking for the ‘dirty’ ones. Yes, the ones he can’t wear/rewind.

Dressing right

He knows the perfect T-shirt to wear. The blue one written “God’s Property”. With this the people will definitely not associate him with Mungiki, or any other vice for that matter. It’s no surprise he bought two of these.

He miscellaneously brushes his cliché shoes and sniffs for his socks. In this dark corner of his house where the socks are stored he has learnt to depend on the other senses. And anyway, it’s the best sense right now. Pong means dirty. Mouldy-whiff means it’s never and will never be worn. Kerosene-whiff means that’s the duster. Ushindi whiff means clean.

He puts on his Ushindi-clean socks, his barely Kiwi-brushed shoes, grabs his ‘pencil’ and pours out of the house. Small is his door that you simply don’t just step out.

Out alone. Away from his safe haven

Our Mungiki-fearing-public-fearing (??) mungiki-look-a-like is now at the mercies of the world. But he lives in an area where thanks to the Nubians and the Raila-loving enthusiasts the Mungiki menace is just but a whisper in the wind. In fact, our hero is treated like a celebrity. You’d think he’s the kajora. After a “niaje ras” here, a “sema ras” there and an odd “Gotaa” from people he has no clue of an inkling called an idea who the F they are, he finds himself at the matatu stage waiting like every other struggler for a means of conveyance.

He’s a tad late and he needs a fast matatu. The ones with a bigger screen than the one in his crib. Unfortunately, usually at this time he can’t ‘have his cake and eat it’. So the first ramshackle that shows up, as long as it’s moving…on wheels, will have to do. But he’s not alone and just like the others he must fight and hope to be top 13.

He has learnt that having dreads accords him some privileges. Like, everyone will keep their distance. But not when fighting for space in a matatu. You are all equal and none is more equal than others. But after it all, one, a few, are definitely dirtier.

Good conduct

Thankfully, he manages to get a space at the rear of the matatu. That’s good. Should he have gotten at the very front with the driver he would look like either a carjacker or a mungiki extorting the driver for fees. Sitting far from the driver and the tout is VERY good.

Once inside the matatu he has to be a good man. At his best behaviour. A model citizen. Any signs of resistance will be taken either of two ways by the matatu people and the passengers. They may respect/fear him and return the proper change. Or they will ‘risk’ it and insist he wants to extort money from them. Then the passengers will be on him and that will be that…a statistic. News at Nine headlines…

“Today another Mungiki-suspect was lynched by the general public as he tried to command a matatu vehicle. They managed to overpower him and the police arrived at the scene to recover 10 rounds of ammunition, three G3s, gas masks and a rocket launcher. When he leaves the morgue he will help the police with investigations.”

That is why he carries nothing but the exact change. And when he’s paying he announces how much he is giving the tout. “Hiyo ni THIRTY BOB sawa? Sitaki change. Asante.” He has to be careful.

He’s also careful to avoid down-town. It was therefore a great discovery when he realized where he alighted from home was the same stage he’d take the matatus that would deposit him at work.

Source of happiness

After quickly dodging cars [and hopefully not cause drama like this he gets to his stage unscathed. He quickly jumps into a job-bound matatu. Makanga insists it’s 30 bob instead of the usual ‘mbao’. Our guy doesn’t care, 30, 50, 90 just get me out of here! Again he avoids the front seat.

He breathes a sigh of relief when he alights somewhere on Mombasa Road. He again plays a successful ‘dodge-car’ on this notorious road and sneaks into the office. He’s late.

He does his usual happy rounds saying ‘Hi’ to all (except the bosses), who always wonder why the hell he’s always soooo annoyingly happy. He explains his happiness.

“I woke up. What could be better than that?”

My guy spent the rest of the day in a happy mood, surfing, chatting, blogging and occasionally working (after five). He chills in the office until around 7, chatting with a few bloggers, when again it’s back home…not via town. As usual he just tastes town. Kuonja tu!

Then he’s back home way after the chickens have gone to roost and way after the thugs have emerged from their roosts.

The good and the bad

And everyday it’s the same. He hopes to one day work at a place where days are never the same. Days where today he can wake up at 6.30, tomorrow at 11, the next at 4 in the aftee. Not wake, job, sleep. Wake, job, sleep. Alone at that.

The beauty of looking like Mungiki is he avoids traveling to visit annoying relas who live in hot zones.

The ugly is chicks have now stopped looking at him like thaaaat. And now look at him LIKE that as they cross the road. Plus if an idiot owes him money, he craftily suggest a meeting on River Road or in Muranga or even worse Mathare. In the hot zones.

And at around 1 in the AM, he blacks out on his ‘matrix’ seat before crawling into bed one hour later after ‘stepping’ his teeth.

And tomorrow, another day, just like this one. Only he’ll be wearing his red t-shirt, or his dirtier jean and maybe get a call from one of the guys he owes money.

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Comments»

1. Kirima - June 19, 2007

LOL very nice Post, enjoyed taking the ride with you into town next time I run into you I won’t be so startled into ramming a tree 🙂
I guess there are some advantages to looking like a mungiki after all.

we hope so! LOL! you looked scared

2. Kirima - June 19, 2007

Shock ati I’m First, Kwani kila mutu amelala leo ama ni aje?

dude, i was still polishing up the post…question should be, kwani huko embu hulali?

3. egm - June 19, 2007

Ah, a day in the life of Modo. Well written. That line of being happy cause you woke up, enyewe, that’s profound in a very light hearted, simple manner. At times we let stress mob cloud our days when we can rejoice in some of the smaller joys of life.
Heh, na hiyo hesabu, I have done that so many times, it’s now automatic. You know down to the very last second when you should be doing something in order to maximize on sleep time and yet get to work on time.

waking up is the highlight of my day. nothing else beats that.

4. Jim-in-excess - June 19, 2007

“……..due to some amusing dreams always wakes at “attention……….” that phenomenon has never been explained coz even kiddo of months wakes up wakiwa ‘attention’… Ama we start dreaming that early….?
Post sawa!

JIMBO! LOL! looks like it’s a guy thang!

5. farmgal - June 19, 2007

will have to read kesho wacha i mark my place

tick!

6. guestblogger - June 20, 2007

it flowed wonderfully-well written
1.ati ka y front ha ha haha
2.i know that rewind thing Black trous.jeanas oh yeah
3.commandoo….eeeew…u wait ur raided usikus all attention and all tutaona Modo live on NTV with Robert Nagila giggling

otero mwenyewe. ghostblogger! it’s an honour. i once was raided (ana’a storo) but i was in a cold place commando was out of the question.

7. jadekitten - June 20, 2007

Ah…I can see the happyness bug is biting. Who would have thought? LOL. Plus I thought I was the only one who tries to squeeze the last drop of sleep from my morning. I can even snooze my alarm for 2 minutes..hehe…

i’ve always been a happy child. as for squeezing the last drop, kuna master milkers as i have seen/read.

8. komi - June 20, 2007

I love how you spend your day once in the office squeezing in some work after 5 ha. I see we are many who buy some extra minute in the blankets…my alarm goes off at 5.40 but I slide out of bed at 8 and report at 9 unless I have an early appointment. Nice n’ funny post.

it’s always a taxing day. LOL! mdosi asinione. you’re my hero, heroine, 5.40 to 8?

9. aegeus - June 20, 2007

I looove the post. One day in the life of Modo, non Mungiks eh? Hmmm… The snooze button is non existent, put the phone kwa sitting room, then you have to get up go silence it, bafu becomes closer than bed, shower, head out! 🙂 Oh, do not forget to dress up, i sometimes do fika veranda with towel on waist hehehe!!

okay, sasa hiyo ni wazimu. lakini bro, si we hulala in thesitting room already? hiyo ni rigging!

10. farmgal - June 20, 2007

That was kidogo long but well worth it. whats with ‘stepping’ your teeth..fafanua
alafu good move..sitting far from the driver….nyss one!

mbona unaogopa words? thanks. stepping your teeth? kukanyaga meno!

11. Mocha! - June 20, 2007

LOL…..hadithi hadithi??? Hadithi Modo!!!
Nice one dude!
Kwanza, now that you have brought this up, have you spruced your dreads up? Neater dreads too are a sure sign you are a non-mungiki. I maybe wrong!
Theeeeennnn, even you, you wake up with ‘a salute’. nyssss!!! 😉
Y-fronts…..tihihihihihi!!!!

dreads are spruced up, but need another retouch. my hair grows chap chap it bores me. but you’re right. mungiks hawaendi saloni. i ‘salute’ you!

12. egm - June 20, 2007

Aegeus, agreed! No need to weka alarm right next to you where you can reach for it in your sleep and continue snoring. Take it where you have to get out of bed to reach it…

eish that must be irritating…ouch!

13. Chatterly - June 20, 2007

that was a very nice post hehehe 🙂

it’s nicer to get by in peace! thanks!

14. 3N - June 20, 2007

Brilliant post of Modo’s non-mungiki day. I especially love: “I woke up. What could be better than that?”

Oh and squeezing out a few naps in the morning, I consider myself an expert. Say my alarm lias at 6:45 which is a big joke coz unless there is a ka morning glory involved, I can NOT wake up that early.

Anyway si I reset the thing to 7:25 and I am already mad coz it even had the audacity to lia at 6:45. Then depending on the terms I left the plantation previous day, I can hit the snooze approx 4 times with 10 minutes intervals which puts me at wake up time of 8:00 or 8:05.

Then it’s a sprint: bathroom, clothes, keys & short prayer for less traffic. Out at 8:30, in @ work by 9-9:15am.

enyewe kuna vile wewe ndio otero wa kusqueeze idhaa. thanks ‘kuku tatu’.

15. kenyaonly - June 20, 2007

nice post!!! pengine huyo ni mimi

hmmmm! looking in the mirror…zi si wewe!

16. Gish - June 21, 2007

I like Matatu part of the story LOL and no i dont like that you go to work by 9am by then i have had breakfast and feels like i have been at work for two days.

yeah i know about your line of duty…niliona bro akisweat…LOL! you can’t hate me now…coz i won’t stop now!

17. spidey - June 21, 2007

haki i commented here jana where did the diss go? ama u deleted it
haki
coz i cracked up sayin u be singing

“dont have to be dread to be mungiki…this is not a dreadlocks thing…”

haki ulidelete hio joke

along came a spider…akizusha! now you want to claim ati sasa nitakuwa kama your spidey enemies? pole but i didn’t delete nothing…i never delete any comment!

18. Cheri - June 21, 2007

Before I even read, the title had me cracking….”Non mungiki” ROTFLOL.

(Now scuttles off to read)

welcome, lakini kwani ulienda kuisoma wapi?

19. farmgal - June 21, 2007

ati naogopa words…how now…ok ok maybe you’re right.

wacha kuwa mshamba…hehe!

20. Bomseh - June 21, 2007

Nice one. Nimechelewa sana hata hivyo. I cut my imitation 1cm baby dreads now I’m clean.

was wondering where you at. lakini umefika. and why oh why did you do that…

21. jm - June 21, 2007

fery fery nicely written.

as for alarm, hehe, how about one that flies around the room ringing bells? gotsa wake up 4 that one … am suggesting, si ati ninayo …

hiii, inakaa haya mambo ya mungiks yana nuksi – mpaka inabidi ubadilishe lifestyle!! na jee weekend? hamna hanye ama?

DHANX! na hiyo alarm ni gani…ama you were dreaming with a mosquito…that’s one annoying thingii that flies. weekendi kudunda ni lazima bro…LAZIMA! mungiki or no.

22. irena07 - June 21, 2007

Nice!
“The ugly is chicks have now stopped looking at him like thaaaat.”
ROFL ha ha!!! you are hilarious dude!

it’s a default setting! thanks.

23. betty - June 21, 2007

Kesho morning at 6am and every other morning as i leave work i shall kumbuka ure struggling to amke..i shall procede to reach home and enter bed and whilst i slumber so sweet i shall then kumbuka you’re struggling to pretend to be busy!

Ati unapeana rendez-vous za debt collecting kwa ma hot spots?hehe.

i’m gla di play a part in your life. LOL! ati nina-do what wapi? WEWE!

24. farmgal - June 22, 2007

si mimi mshamba …shambagal remember..

trudat!

25. Klara - June 22, 2007

si am late! Bt am still laughing aki that Modo guy is nuts!! Ati Unfortunately, there’s no morning glory today! LOL! Marry, that’s da only way u can be guaranteed that every Morning!!LOL..
Lakini si u amka mapema, me my eyes cant open mbaka 7.30 aki Mornings sax!!
hehehehe..U have now been forced 2 be careful! Lest u be Lynched! LOL..
What a day!!

but umefika. karibu. marriage sio guarantee ya ‘glory’, headache? ndio.

26. Iwaya - June 22, 2007

You, my friend, have got it going on! That attention thing needs,ahem, further probing! There is not a ‘funny’ bit in your day but the whole day had me rocking side to side like a Bob Marley jam because of the way you collide through your day. well told, Bwana, well told! and I’m working on my Swahili too!

the fun stopped when the mungiks started. but i’m still the guy you’ll bouncing in tao. keep up the good work on your swa. thanks!

27. Cheri - June 22, 2007

This was for real funny……the tarzan bit had me in bits…

(the tarzan call)

28. kip - June 22, 2007

lakini you guy you crack my makendes up big .time! lol

you’s welcome! karibu tena!

29. Sus - June 22, 2007

Where’s the chic in this story. Damsel in distress 🙂

kwani hii ni hollywood movie?

30. sus - June 22, 2007

Meanwhile as i listen to Eric Wainaina’s ‘Ni kii kiega’on the Twende Twende album. Tududududu tududu tudu tudu du…

as i listen to ukoo flani…dumdumdumdum…LOL!

31. 360º and heating - June 22, 2007

Delightful.
It’s like reading a day in my life, except without the dreds, or the mungiki resemblance (at all!!), or fighting for a mat (it’s just easier to get to work late and avoid the ‘fight for top 13’), or the morning glory (or lack thereof), or the sleeping commando (wacha upatwe na majambazi!), or…

Hang on a sec… why do I feel like that was about me and yet…?? Ah well…

Like I said, truly delightful.

32. komi - June 22, 2007

Unless the alarm goes off at 5.40 I wake up at 9 ama even 10 (like today). I guess it’s my ka-warning to finish the dreams in the remaining time. Thank God I am the boss ha.

33. inexes - June 22, 2007

Was here. Yaaaaawwwn….. scratching mipiraz….

Wacha ni hook up na horizantal…..

man solo

34. Unyc - June 23, 2007

Modo….the non-mungiki-blogger-who looks-like-mungiki…that was hilarious!!!

Waking up for me siku hizi ni saa mbili/tatu…n sleep at 2-2.30am….. no beauty sleep. Waking up ndio drama sasa…

Lakini u r God’s Property’ so uko poa…LOL

35. Boyflani very ashamed - June 27, 2007

dude, kwanza ma-apologies..how could i comment last yet am yua crazier half?hahahha..izea..juu ya hiyo…manze am doing a post on u in yua teenage years.hahah…hope u will llike it..
anyway, that was well written..eish dude…deep..hilarious pia..kwanza hiyo risto ya manyong’inyo hahahah…na hizo links ni crazy pia..ati mandingo..u mean u rival him hahah *all blogsphere mamaz..plse run for dear lifeeeeeeeee…*

36. dorothy - June 29, 2007

now there goes some good piece of writing.

37. frankie - June 29, 2007

modo, u are just crazy (crazy as in a compliment), about the socks and the rewind , ur mum should come over and THWACK u… anyways, cant wait for the next post..
am in campo and the net is very lousy…

38. betty - June 30, 2007

WE DEMAND ANAA POST!!!! am tired of refreshing this page lol 🙂

39. Klara - July 2, 2007

I second Betty!!

40. Gish - July 2, 2007

*rapping fingers* dude next post

41. Archer - July 4, 2007

Woii!! Kuchelewa! But I’m here!! Na ninacheka!

42. Ngare - August 15, 2007

Realy nice post dude!
I read this post on my phone in the wee hours of the morning(insomnia) and i couldnt stop laughing! kidogo out of the humor and kidogo out of the self pity, i inted to sport locks some time in the near future(since i malizad high school its two years and counting now), is it really that tough?
REALLY!?

karibu sir…na sio kazi ngumu hivyo. the hard part is over…i hope


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