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Dumped? July 2, 2007

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
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Sharon.

Wangeci.

Eunice.

She sat there waiting to hear her name.

Muthoni.

Maria.

Emily W.

Emily N.

But still her name wasn’t called out. All around her, her friends were all excited.

Anne.

Peter.

Sorry…Petronilla.

She smiled. That was her friend and they always made fun of her name. Sometimes they called her “Shell” or “Caltex”, whichever had top-of-mind recall.

Then came Shanice. Wendy. Pauline. Carol M, W and N. But still not hers. Her smile just like her hopes went. Her friends were there to comfort her. But so too were the letters that made her sad again.

It’s letter day today. And everyone is excited. Everyone except her.

Eunice. You have two letters.

Everyone gets excited on letter day. Each girl wants to know if the guy she impressed during Science Congress, drama festivals or provies has written. Seems like Eunice really impressed more than one guy.

Eunice again.

Whore! She thought.

Though it isn’t boys from other schools who scribbled perfumed missives. There were boyfriends. Real boyfriends.

Oscar.

She isn’t concentrating.

Oscar!

She is busy mopping.

OSCAR! Daughter of Njuguna! (name changed to protect father)

Wait. That’s her. Guys in school have this habit of calling her ‘Oscar’. From ‘Ostrich’, another of her nicknames. She is tall.

She jumps up in excitement and walks taller to the front to get the precious letter. She knows who it’s from. Only her boyfriend calls her “daughter of Wamae” (name changed again to now protect the father called Njuguna)

Tall she can walk. Because in the hands of the teacher in charge of letter day is a ‘juicy’ envelope. No one in the history of the school has ever received such a ‘well-fed’ letter. Everyone including Oscar is salivating.

EAT THAT! She thinks as she sashays like an out of control airplane on a runway. To the left she throws her pretty arse. She throws it again to the righ, almost knocking Eunice, Caltex and Felicity. When she reaches the front, she shakes hands with the teacher. One would think this is prize-giving day. To her it is. What better prize can a girl ask for.

She turns. Pauses for effect. There is a slight stink. She shrugs her shoulders as she discovers it’s emanating from all those mouths agape in awe.

On her return leg she doesn’t ‘catwalk’. She doesn’t have to. She’s already everyone’s envy. But she’s a chick. She must rub it in. So she does do the ‘catwalk’. Her friends are excited for her. Eunice and others are jealous. Though she has confused three guys (so she thinks) a juicy letter is way much better than three thin letters.

Oscar, meanwhile is being pestered by her friends to open it. She’s enjoying the limelight. Moments like these don’t come very often. She buys her time. She sniffs the envelope hoping for a scent.

SNIFF!

Nothing. Her boyfriend doesn’t pull those cheap stunts. But she can’t show her friends. She smiles a huge fake smile. Her friends can now only imagine what sweet smell is held tight in that envelope.

Excitement all around her has risen like the Safaricom profits. No one is listening to Miss Okech, the ‘mail-teacher’. Miss Okech, herself, has stopped to read and is also watching, albeit nonchalantly.

Oscar is the toast of the afternoon. She turns over her letter.

To; Oscar, Daughter of Mburu (yep, more witness protection)
The school hukooooo Ruiru.
With the allocated box 7
In our lovely country Kenya.

She appreciates her boyfriend’s humour, He says he can never write a serious letter.

Someone tries to grab the letter. Tempers are rising now and if she doesn’t open in the next 10 seconds, she’ll be lynched.

Quickly she opens the envelope. Her hands are trembling. Both from the lynching threat and from the anticipation.

The deafening sound of silence.

A pin is heard dropping.

RRRRIP! goes the envelope

Silent goes the crowd.

Then…

LAUGHTER!

ROARS OF LAUGHTER!

Everyone is Rolling On The Floor Laughing Their Silly, Some Pretty, Others Not, Arses Off. (ROTFLTSSPONAO)

Oscar is shocked. In her hands is the reason for the ‘juice’ in the envelop. The reason for the laughter.

Unfurling in her hands is the longest piece of toilet paper she has ever seen. Longer than their weekly rations. On it is the most humorous letter ever written. Not as humorous as the situation right now. Not to Oscar atleast. She’s not a mix of emotions. She’s just one brand. Pissed, She is a very angry-is-an-understatement Oscar. She is smiling a fake smile. She must show the rest it is a joke. It had better be a joke.

And it is. She only finds out much later in the loo. That’s where she goes to read the ‘letter’. Away from the laughing crowd, an elated Eunice and, though sympathetic, laughly friends.

THAT, is the danger of having a boyfriend like Marto.

Epilogue

The letter Marto wrote wasn’t a dumping letter. Quite the contrary. You see they had been sending each other g-mail (game-mail…ya mchezo) for the longest time. One day, Oscar wrote him a letter in different coloured ink pens. For the reply Marto went one better, he sent in differently coloured paper. She topped that by sending a letter, not only in differently coloured paper but different sized paper. He retaliated by sending different pieces of paper cellotaped together to make an A4. She tried to top that by writing on the envelope itself. Marto laughed. So when he sent the letter on TP he thought she too would be amused.

She wasn’t.

Marto DID get dumped. I would have done the same thing too. Marto felt nothing though. In fact he was happy. Relieved more like it. Ironically, he used the very TP he had sent to her to wipe his arse. Yes, she did return it to sender. He had run out of TP and the RTS came just in time. He was ‘driving’ that evening.

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Comments»

1. inexes - July 2, 2007

VUmbi vumbi

Badaayes

2. egm - July 2, 2007

Jamaa, you are crazy! How can you keep company with folks as crazy as Marto? You should have juad from that time that he would lead you to sleeping in a ditch for two days after tackling the bridge racer… yaani, that guy is my hero. Toilet paper? Eish, no wonder he was dumped. Lakini he was very resourceful. Using it as needed after having gotten it back.

it’s the exact reason i keep him as a buddy. lakini buddy wa ‘we kaa huko mimi nikae hapa”. marto is special.

3. inexes - July 2, 2007

ROTFLMNEBAO (MNEB – My Not Excess Black…)
Hiyo epilogue ni tight lakini a used TP? Aaaaiiii hio ni recipe to occupy Dumpville…

he feels jack and jack feels him.

4. aegeus - July 2, 2007

Present teacher!

umefanya homework?

5. aegeus - July 2, 2007

Gosh! Marto is my new hero! ROTFLMMAO!

you want him? PLEASE take him!

6. cc formerly wambui :) - July 3, 2007

aiyaiyai, LMAO!

🙂

7. Gish - July 3, 2007

Marto is Back Yaay! ROTFLTSSPONAO(Modo 2007)

unfortunately. marto won’t leave me alone. LOL!

8. Kirima - July 3, 2007

ROTFLMAO
Deadly just fantastic, I loved that story brings back some interesting tales of high school.

si highskool had drama…wait, just like blogosphere high. thanks mate.

9. betty - July 3, 2007

thats a crazy story..Marto wanted to get dumped..hata kama ni Gmail..aiiii!!!

on the contrary, he did it with good intentions. just that he doesn’t think before saaaaaana.

10. Jamvi - July 3, 2007

G-mail? thats loo mail and how apt she reads it in the loo. And what a smart way to get dumped.

he discovered how smart it was a lil too late

11. Frankie - July 3, 2007

at least today am top 20 in posting comments, i have been waiting to read ur blog the way a chick in high school waits for a letter.. reminds me of my high school days…. not that it was very long ago….
guess how we now compete? who gets the most calls or smses…
life hasn’t changed. anyway..
am supposed to be doing calculus…let me go..

umejaribu. one bonga point for you. high skool ni high skool no matter what. the closest i’ve come to calculus is tintin. jeez. all the best.

12. Klara - July 3, 2007

RONTFL! That Marto guy’s crazy, poor Oscar! I would skin someone a live if he did that to me..Lakini I remember such happening in high school, funny break-up’s..
(Lakini are u sure u r not that Marto???)

i’m looking in the mirror and…nope, i’m not marto.

13. Unyc - July 3, 2007

Marto is back!! Yaay!!!

That was a hilarious story. Poor Marto thinkin it was a romantic gesture…TP….how many pieces i wonder…loool….

I remember in hae skul during vals we wld all wait eagerly 2 c who wld receive the highest number of cards. N the more perfumed the better…

ROTFLTSSPONAO……hehee

he didn’t think it was romantic. nothing is romantic for that goon. all i know the TP was 2-ply.

14. three types of crazy - July 3, 2007

lakini some people, atii toilet paper. Quite frankly I can’t understand why Marto was dumped.

neither does he. but yet again, he doesn’t understand many things.

15. Sue - July 3, 2007

ROTFLMPAO… That was hilarious.. I ask like Klara.. Are you sure you aint Marto??
But was pretty funny… LOL

me, marto? never!

16. Princess - July 4, 2007

Hilarious!!!

PRINCESS! (i give you the donkey-of-shrek smile)

17. Archer - July 4, 2007

ROTFLMBAO!!!!! Add ata hiyo laughter yako ya kutingisha madiaba!

I’m beginning to suspect that Modo & Marto = 1 and the same person.

Sheesh this storo is too much!!!

Lakini it brings back memories of high school letter writing. Barua mi nilizichora mob sana!

archer, just like your mishales you are off the mark…mbaliiii. suspicions off.

18. Bomseh - July 4, 2007

LOL @ ROTFLTSSPONAO

Yipee! He’s back our favourite Marto. The Marto of Magegania Bridge kerea……..Marto must be as bright as a shadow.

Which DUMPed are we talking about here, now that there is some toilet paper in the equation?

yep bomseh, your pal is back. i discovered he’s a part of my maisha now. all dumps! marto is an unfortunate genius.

19. Mocha! - July 4, 2007

LOL…..will comment later!

20. kip - July 6, 2007

lakini watu wako na jokes I say…..lol cud this mato be from some joint called weiteithie ama ndarugo… ju kuna msee wangu fulani ……………. wacha tu

21. Unyc - July 7, 2007

@Kip Lol

Marto ni wazimu. So imagine Modo + Marto….wah!!!

22. Mocha! - July 9, 2007

Yaani, this storo is just too serious….hilariously serious.

Modo….where do you get this stories from?

I hope you are sawa though!

23. 3N - July 10, 2007

what happened to my comment from jana, I swear I had penned down something…urrrggh.

anyway just a funny funny storo, sweet revenge…utilizing the TP

24. mwangi - July 11, 2007

haiya !! y did you have 2 remind me …

25. boyflani dumping...a comment - July 12, 2007

washa nisome kwaja…nani amedumpiwa…?

26. boyflani - July 12, 2007

lol…dude, thats crazeeeeeeeee..mi najua huyo jamaa ni nani..ni modo marto!

27. farmgal - July 12, 2007

can you introduce me to Marto?
seriously funny those high school stunts!
remember that one where peeps used to burn letters and RTS ashes? utoto wa shule!

28. Chatterly - July 12, 2007

LOLL!!! crazy story that 🙂

29. Klara - July 13, 2007

Weka Post bana, wacha u lazy…

30. Bantu-tu - July 16, 2007

Marto magegania mbak! wazimu supremest! Samting imenirarua mbaya.G-mail did me in! alafu daddi at least fanya ka G-post umeanguka shimo gani, mko na marto hapo ndani?

31. inexes - July 17, 2007

Hebu nione kando – yule dancer partner wako is asking questions mingi!!!

na alafu weka post ingine! Eish

32. Wanja Kihii - July 18, 2007

Made my day!!!…….dude my ribs are aching

where’ve you been? weokam bak!


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