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Ehhhh, what’s up doc? September 25, 2007

Posted by modoathii in pain.
29 comments

This post is written in pain.

Interesting, I’m in pain but yet i’ve been having a great week. Never knew life had such great pleasant surprises. (hiyo itakuja badaye)

For now, I’m in pain.

For the past four or five days I’ve been having this strange pain in the chest area. Wise-arses say it’s heart ache…ati there’s a chiley who is really and truly stressing my heart. To you I painfully LOL!

No one knows wassap! (will need to consult manufacturer)

The x-rays came back clean. So it’s not a lung problem. Had heart checked and yep, clean. Apart from something else sumbuaring roho, heart is fine. With the theory of elimination, I’m left with chest wall problem.

Doctor squeezes me hard, does pressups on my chest…

“Any pains when I do that?”

Nope.

Two years ago, I had the same problem and the doctor then just like today told me I was as fit as a horse…

A dying horse maybe.

That was a second opinion.

Opinion one was another Indianese doc who walked in sweating, finyad me left and right then declared in full no-knowledge…

“Young man, that is natting. Just take dees and you vill be okay”

He then dug his greasy hands into a box of pink dawas…later I was to be told they were Brufen. Painkillers.

Hata sasa this was second opinion and sure enough the doctor says the same words I had expected to hear…

“Kijana, you are fit.”

“I know.”

“But it’s strange whatever ails you.”

This is the dealio.

I have this severe pain in my chest that becomes worse when I over-exert (sorry, no sex, I have a headache…chest ache…), pains when I take DEEP breaths…only deep breaths, pain that throbs with every over-excited heartbeat (so I can’t look at fly mamas…tao is off limits). But seriously, sijui where it’s coming from or what’s causing it. If I sit and relax hakuna pain. When I stand and roho goes from zero to sixty in one second…PAIN galore!

I have no fever. Heart rate is normal. BP is normal. Lungs are sawa. No cough. No physical (one you can induce) pain….iko ndani. It’s over there like a dormant volcano waiting…I can feel it. AND I JUST FELT IT!

I’ve always known I am a medical mystery….kina fathe hebu tell me the truth am I from Krypton…but this is too much. I’m now on many painkillers. Yaani, these painkillers nikama zilikuwa on offer. And how I hate medicine…I mean, how do you get prescribed for like 4 different painkillers? Reason being ati, pain killer one causes inflamation, so number two takes care of that inflamation, then number three takes care of the other side-effect number 2 causes…EISH!

I’M DYING HERE OF PAIN!

I’m seeking wisdom from doctors out there…hata yule mganga anayetibu kuhepa shule na mapenzi na divorce…I’m open.

For now I sign out…Off to get my blood tested…and see a cardiologist/neurologist/mganga….OUCH! can’t even laugh.

Update soon!

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DHREE ‘ADRED A’D SIGISTEY SEFEN DAYS! September 17, 2007

Posted by modoathii in anniversary, happy first, links fest.
31 comments

The date: September 15th 2006

It was a lazy afternoon when I got a forward from some forwarder that contained a hilarious story from a certain Kenyan Chick who had angushad vibe about a guide to Kenya and sheng. I was curious to check who this KC be. There was a strange link which I followed after a lot of CSI Thompson (where I used to work) and voila…

Some chick with a hilarious blog!

From her blog I got links to other bloggers who I then followed the whole afternoon. (mdosi asisome hii…nitafutwa…wait, i already left that place so siezi futwa). Only to discover a whole new village called blogosphere.

By end of day, I had already amuad…blogging I will blog.

It was a ‘vice’ I had said I won’t be sucked in, considering, I hated comps, I hated cybers (still do), I hated anything net…little did I know. I had known about blogging for like months before, but her blog and blogosphere really shikad me..and I was hooked.

So I took a deep breath…opened blogspot since that was the biggest then, and away we went…

Facts:

Name: Modoathii…a corruption of dooaz. I attribute it to my pal kitambo kule CCL. It sounded funky and I needed an undercover name…

Content: I had no idea what the content would be. But I knew it would be, had to be Madness. I amuad I wouldn’t get personal on my blog. Just unleash total madness. And where best to unleash madness than on a couch…a psychiatrist’s couch.

Blogname: The couch

Link: madcouch.blogspot.com….kumbe couch had been tumiwad by one couch ‘tato. Naivete thinking whichever name I chose would be readily available. so niakongeza quite appropriately ‘mad’.

Post one: the day i discovered the couch was my buddy done under a huge amount of alcohol (vodo of cos). I had no idea what to write and I actually let my fingers do the walking and the vodo the talking.

First Visitor: Iwaya…and his quote, which I remember, not word for word, (I’m not a nerd) but I’ll quote him “For many reasons i have been looking forward with anticipation to more entries, are you gonna leave me hanging?”

And he gave me psych! And I didn’t leave him hanging. Thanks man!

Of course my other was the “couch ‘tato” himself, plus kina Princess, Gish, Uaridi, and EGM (tulitoana mbali Gish na EGM). And these 6 plus my first anonymous character walinikaribisha na…the rest…look under library section….HISTORY!…it is.

I’ve shared my madness and Marto’s much to the appreciation of all of you. Who I’ve come to know and respect madly along this interesting journey.

Will all of you pliz stand up…

Onyango A, Onyango P, Otieno S, Otieno…oops, I have the wrong roll call…hii ni ya graduation…

Alphabetically…(I should warn all y’all kuna vile majina have been changed to suit my better rememberability (sic) and understanding of all ye wazimus)

Aco, Aizoh, the lovely and lively Betty without veronica, the humerous and smart Big orange, Bobby…not marley, my Jomaican broda, En, Enn and Enny, the body builders, Bomb-shell, bro in SA, got to know some Booty, Boyo…small bro, Butterfly, got to Chatt up a few, got the hook up on les/le french speaking chez-moi (chase moi, yaani the oresdo), read about and love someone’s mess, had some lovely coffee and their breaks, went shags, saw some devious ones, went into the matrix with mobius(ess), hang around the hanyee mpaka chee, had a scratching time with itchy, of course my brother from UG, Iwaya, cheers mate, the Kitten jaded me, nilishtuka kugundua nakujua zaidi, JIMBO, ulizidi an tukazidi kujuana, Meru bado ninaenda, nikakutana na kabinti, na ana’a tanned karateka kafei, kenyanchick lazima, n.a m.r.e.m.b.o m.w.i.n.g.i.n.e i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.i.n.g K.I.P.U.S.A, simplicity za klara tukazienjoy, ma-inspiration za komi tukakuja kuenjoy na kudungwa strength ya kuendelea na life, masupuu wengine pretty, mwingine apo ako na madcow, mrefu, methu the sellah, daddy, milo(sevic) furniture, mruka matope, mwas, mwas, na yule yule pale hivi, mwenye kiti, inspiration man, wooohooo, ma Rrrraul, aha, na yule mwenye kamenje inajiita Raul pia, photographer mmoja mnoma niaje, pointii, and her storos of Sud and Kenya, potash, PRINCESS, si unajua mi ni shrek, a proud nyeuthi…eish mko wengi…rafter, ndae yako unaipelekanga poa man, kumekuwa na room moja ya mawazo nachungulianga ma time, nachekeshwa na shamrashamra za shamza, na za sis mmoja mifupa sooo, spiderman has weaved many a tale as captivating as his web, sue, supuu in the meadow, supuu jirani, ah, teacher, ba-ba-bantutu tu, mad respect, ka-teenager kafulani kawazimu frankie, the don, and oh, another inspirer I’ve come to have mad respek for, poetess, oh yeah, who can forget the wisdom from the mountain, tweety, I tot i say thylvethter, the UniQ one, wambui, aaaah, wanja mtoi…mad love, wazimu aina fortey! we love you, and last but not least…william tell.

How can I forget, Phassie!

Of course there are the newbies, kina pilato, kip, ati kina jiwe (fakee wewe), bryjoe, shonarikuna kadhaa kuna vile sijawamention…lakini tuko gether au sio

It’s been real! I appreciate the mad support. THANKS!

And THE COUCH will go on…and will definitely meet many more mad ones as the journey continues.

PEACE PEOPLE! CHEERS!

A TOAST! TO A GREAT YEAR! AND THE GREAT FRIENDS AND LOTS OF NICENESS!

Getting that nagging aunt! September 14, 2007

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
18 comments

Marto has this aunt who used to always nag and nag him to get a wife.

“Martin you are old enough.”

“Martin by your age your dad had made three mistakes. You, your sis…”

“Martin, you want to raise your kids when old.”

“Martin, who will cook for you.”

“Martin kwani utakula pesa yako pekee yako.”

“Martin, you are wasting your sperm.”

“Martin, I need a nephew.”

“Martin, kwani who do you think will help you eat your father’s money…don’t tell him I told you that.”

“Martin, when will you bring us a woman, tumkague?”

Martin, this,

Martin, that

Martin….Martin…MartinMartinMartinMartin….

AAAAAAAARGH!

“That’s it. I’ve had enough of my auntie always nagging me. I’ll show her.”

Knowing Marto I knew this was something worth seeing. I knew it wouldn’t be the usual jab in the aunt’s side with the line “you’re next.” when they went for a funeral. What Marto opted to do, was something I had heard guys say they did, but never actually seen someone do it.

Marto did it. Trust him.

Week 1

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Oh hi Martin my favorite neph….Oh and who is this?”

“Her name is Njeri and she’s my__”

The beauty of aunts like Aunt Matilda is that they are eager to assume stuff..so all you do is show up with someone and…

“Aw Martin, I know who she is. Ehh!” she said nudging him on the side and having this cheeky smile.

“Finally! It’s about time. And she’s very pretty.”

Njeri meanwhile was in shock…she couldn’t for the life of Mary and Joseph (not parents to Jesus…just random names that came into my head) understand what was going on…

“Come this way my daughter. Let’s talk…”

And off they went to ‘talk’.

Whatever they spoke about hasn’t been revealed to us, but knowing Aunt Matilda, we had an idea. And when Njeri returned redder than a beet (and they say blacks don’t blush. being brown helps a little) we knew exactly what the talk was about.

All the while Marto was just smiling…Njeri held Marto’s hand ‘lovingly’ (a little too tight though) and with a sheepish smile GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

Week 2

“Hi Aunt Matilda”

“Oh hi Martin my favorite neph…Oh and who is this?”

(At this stage I should point out that Aunt Matilda is simple and her salaams are always the same…

“This is Tina, and she’s my…

Predictably Aunt Matilda didn’t let us down.

“Aw Martin, I know who she is….(whispering with a forced smile so that Tina can think all is fine) What happened to that sweet Njeri?”

Marto just smiles…

“So Tina, tell me about yourself. Come with me…let’s go talk.”

Reluctantly Tina is dragged away.

A few minutes later, Tina is rushing back to smiling Marto’s side redder than a cherry….sorry, redder than Njeri. And THEY GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Week 3

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Oh, hi Mart___Another one?”

She checks herself quickly hoping this new girl doesn’t find out she’s one of the many.

“This is Rachel, and…” the statement lingers and Marto hopes Auntie will cut him off, “…and…and…she…”

Aunt Matilda recovers.

“Okay, I know…but…”

Marto gives her that pretend “don’t give me grief” look, and she understands. She takes a deep breath…

“Aw Nj…Rachel, I’m so glad you are with Marto. He looks very happy.”

They both worriedly look at Marto, who is having the time of his life. Rachel is worried coz she’s bila idea what the devil and his children is going on. Aunt Matilda on the other hand was worried.

“C-come let’s go talk.”

The usual happened next. Yes, Rachel did come running. Yes, her shade of red was darker, but it was still red. Yes, they did get the hell out of there.

Week 4, 5, 6

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Now who the living daylights are these?”

After week 5 Aunt Matilda, had lost it.

M-mary, Janice and Shiro, never got the ‘talk’ with Aunt Matilda, it’s Marto who got the talk. The talk he needed to hear.

“Now listen Martin, you are a young man. Too young. You see you have your whole life ahead….blah, blah, blah, blah.”

Maybe he didn’t need to hear it. Man aunts can talk. Yackidy yack, Yackidy Yack!

“…blah, blah…Now listen Martin, don’t rush…you see all these women you keep bringing home…er…just take your time. And be careful. Hakuna haraka.”

YES!

Secret was simple.

At this point Marto, sits down, puts on his wisdom specs and continues…

When your ka-aunt insists you should bring a ka-chilley home, you just get your chick pals to escort you to her place. BUT….BUT, never let the chick know what you are up to. And NEVER EVER, tell your aunt who the gal is. I mean it will save you domez. The chiley can’t say you semad she was your chiley, and your aunt can’t say so too, coz you never actually said it.

disclaimer!
*names of gals and relatives except Marto’s have been changed for obvious reasons. And please don’t try Marto’s wisdom at home. So I’m going to see my aunt this weekend….who wants to accompany me?

In love…but still on BT! September 11, 2007

Posted by modoathii in my love life.
35 comments

This one is dedicated to the current love in my life…

From the moment I laid eyes on you
I knew…
It was you for me!

Many guys admired you,
Heck, many gals admired you too
But only I had my heart set on you.

I knew it would cost me
You indeed are high maintenance
So I had to make sure I could take care of you

I can!

There was another guy who wanted you
But I won
Because I had more money.

The moment I looked you in the eye,
I knew you were the brighter one
And could see far beyond

I know how to turn you on
Coz I know the right buttons to push
Then you begin purring sweetly.

I love how you grab my buttocks
When I’m on top of you
Mmmmm….I like it.

But best of all,
When I ride you…
Man, I come faster than anyone.

I’m not your proverbial one-minute man
But when I say five minutes
I more or less mean it.

When I’m with you,
In and out of that tight spot
You have me in ecstasy.

You have the fliest behind
And though many mock you, ati
‘Matako juu juu ka brakes za honda’

They are right.

But it’s the fliest butt.
And many would like to ride you
But no one wants to kiss you.

Even me.
I can never take you to bed
But I know you can hook me up.

You have a Japanese name
But you understand our ways
and I love you for that.

I knew you some time back
When you were with the other guy
How jealous I was.

But finally on Saturday
You were mine.
He found another one.

I’ll take good care of you.
I’ll go with you everywhere
We’ll have good days together

Lakini, I’ll have to watch my drinks
Because I know, just like everyone
If I drink, you will kill me.

I’ve realised you and my second love
Vodka
Unlike with milk, can’t mix.

Oh my sweetie….
I’m glad I got you.
I’m gonna ride you till I’m sore.

Bye Bye Foot-subishi
Bye Bye Shoe-zuki
Hello HONDA!

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My baby!

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Oh yeah!

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