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Getting that nagging aunt! September 14, 2007

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
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Marto has this aunt who used to always nag and nag him to get a wife.

“Martin you are old enough.”

“Martin by your age your dad had made three mistakes. You, your sis…”

“Martin, you want to raise your kids when old.”

“Martin, who will cook for you.”

“Martin kwani utakula pesa yako pekee yako.”

“Martin, you are wasting your sperm.”

“Martin, I need a nephew.”

“Martin, kwani who do you think will help you eat your father’s money…don’t tell him I told you that.”

“Martin, when will you bring us a woman, tumkague?”

Martin, this,

Martin, that

Martin….Martin…MartinMartinMartinMartin….

AAAAAAAARGH!

“That’s it. I’ve had enough of my auntie always nagging me. I’ll show her.”

Knowing Marto I knew this was something worth seeing. I knew it wouldn’t be the usual jab in the aunt’s side with the line “you’re next.” when they went for a funeral. What Marto opted to do, was something I had heard guys say they did, but never actually seen someone do it.

Marto did it. Trust him.

Week 1

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Oh hi Martin my favorite neph….Oh and who is this?”

“Her name is Njeri and she’s my__”

The beauty of aunts like Aunt Matilda is that they are eager to assume stuff..so all you do is show up with someone and…

“Aw Martin, I know who she is. Ehh!” she said nudging him on the side and having this cheeky smile.

“Finally! It’s about time. And she’s very pretty.”

Njeri meanwhile was in shock…she couldn’t for the life of Mary and Joseph (not parents to Jesus…just random names that came into my head) understand what was going on…

“Come this way my daughter. Let’s talk…”

And off they went to ‘talk’.

Whatever they spoke about hasn’t been revealed to us, but knowing Aunt Matilda, we had an idea. And when Njeri returned redder than a beet (and they say blacks don’t blush. being brown helps a little) we knew exactly what the talk was about.

All the while Marto was just smiling…Njeri held Marto’s hand ‘lovingly’ (a little too tight though) and with a sheepish smile GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

Week 2

“Hi Aunt Matilda”

“Oh hi Martin my favorite neph…Oh and who is this?”

(At this stage I should point out that Aunt Matilda is simple and her salaams are always the same…

“This is Tina, and she’s my…

Predictably Aunt Matilda didn’t let us down.

“Aw Martin, I know who she is….(whispering with a forced smile so that Tina can think all is fine) What happened to that sweet Njeri?”

Marto just smiles…

“So Tina, tell me about yourself. Come with me…let’s go talk.”

Reluctantly Tina is dragged away.

A few minutes later, Tina is rushing back to smiling Marto’s side redder than a cherry….sorry, redder than Njeri. And THEY GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Week 3

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Oh, hi Mart___Another one?”

She checks herself quickly hoping this new girl doesn’t find out she’s one of the many.

“This is Rachel, and…” the statement lingers and Marto hopes Auntie will cut him off, “…and…and…she…”

Aunt Matilda recovers.

“Okay, I know…but…”

Marto gives her that pretend “don’t give me grief” look, and she understands. She takes a deep breath…

“Aw Nj…Rachel, I’m so glad you are with Marto. He looks very happy.”

They both worriedly look at Marto, who is having the time of his life. Rachel is worried coz she’s bila idea what the devil and his children is going on. Aunt Matilda on the other hand was worried.

“C-come let’s go talk.”

The usual happened next. Yes, Rachel did come running. Yes, her shade of red was darker, but it was still red. Yes, they did get the hell out of there.

Week 4, 5, 6

“Hi Aunt Matilda?”

“Now who the living daylights are these?”

After week 5 Aunt Matilda, had lost it.

M-mary, Janice and Shiro, never got the ‘talk’ with Aunt Matilda, it’s Marto who got the talk. The talk he needed to hear.

“Now listen Martin, you are a young man. Too young. You see you have your whole life ahead….blah, blah, blah, blah.”

Maybe he didn’t need to hear it. Man aunts can talk. Yackidy yack, Yackidy Yack!

“…blah, blah…Now listen Martin, don’t rush…you see all these women you keep bringing home…er…just take your time. And be careful. Hakuna haraka.”

YES!

Secret was simple.

At this point Marto, sits down, puts on his wisdom specs and continues…

When your ka-aunt insists you should bring a ka-chilley home, you just get your chick pals to escort you to her place. BUT….BUT, never let the chick know what you are up to. And NEVER EVER, tell your aunt who the gal is. I mean it will save you domez. The chiley can’t say you semad she was your chiley, and your aunt can’t say so too, coz you never actually said it.

disclaimer!
*names of gals and relatives except Marto’s have been changed for obvious reasons. And please don’t try Marto’s wisdom at home. So I’m going to see my aunt this weekend….who wants to accompany me?

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Comments»

1. Xs - September 14, 2007

Dust…..!!!!!!

*couch couch*

2. Xs - September 14, 2007

Weeewe huyu Marto yenyewe alijaribu!
Alafu do we say ‘Redder than a beet’ or more red than a beet? Kuuliza tu…

PS: Ulifika huko shags za kwetu? Sijapata update of late. Nitaulizie leo niasaje alafu nikunongozee..ama? Wikendi njema Marto…..sorry Modo

semantics….i say tomato you say tomato…hehehe…thanks. to you too!

3. egm - September 15, 2007

Noted for future use! That Marto guy, si he just writes a book of his escapades and experiences?

4. threetypesofcrazy - September 15, 2007

@egm- I think Marto is doing so. Modo you agree?

5. Kirima - September 17, 2007

Now I know what to do with all those nosy aunts you know how at a certain age you look for all manner of excuses to duck family gatherings!

6. frankie - September 17, 2007

top ten spot today..kwani wasee hawajaamka after weekend?

and let me ask? are u and Marto the same person? and no, i do not think any chick is going to offer to accompany you…can u imagine how the ‘talk’ goes? it is horror…

7. kipusa - September 17, 2007

sounds very familiar, this happens to me with my older relatives and since kuna mtu, they are already planning for my koitwo (engagement)

8. Mocha! - September 17, 2007

Touching base with ROFLMAO!!!

Marto is a genius!

Kama utalipa tikiti ya ndege, I will peleka you! 😉

9. Klara - September 17, 2007

LOL!
How was ushago??

10. Muthii Fulani - September 17, 2007

marto gives us ideas…which we might use to disengage the aunts who are hell bent to see me married…to who really seems not to matter and then not being seen in the company of the fairer of the species gets tounges wagging and “prowess” being questioned when one of my uncles asked “hata mmoja hapa ama pale?” …bless their souls… 😀

11. shonari - September 17, 2007

haha lmao

12. betty - September 17, 2007

looooooool lmao..hillarious!! but NOW i know!! that’s it…sipiti ka gate..hata wewe..park me and the piki-piki hapo nje and go salimia aunty so and so ALONE!

13. Gishungwa - September 18, 2007

I still love marto. The shags offer you should have said earlier LOL would have unleashed the kitenge

14. Wanja Kihii - September 18, 2007

GENIUS!!!!! LMAOROTF!!!!! with your permission, can i send this to male pals who are going through the “nagging relas phase”?
Twende shaggs

you have my permission! they shouldn’t suffer…hehe

15. Shee - September 19, 2007

LOOL.. Now Ideas we got here. Now since am already an auntie to many, I will be sure to let the nephews complete who the chille really is… LOL

16. bobby - September 27, 2007

Marto is a freakin …genius … misdirection at its best ..damn he is good.

17. sandrar - September 10, 2009

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