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The things we do for love! October 9, 2007

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
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Most of the things people do for love are usually kinda unbelievable, ridiculous, humiliating but rarely painful. But when dealing with one character, anything is possible, and most probably it will be painful.

We are talking about Marto.

Dude always has interesting luck. The luck of a toilet fly having gladly discovered a generous amount of s**t, only for it to be flushed away. (for luck of a better example)

1. The writing is in the brain.

The year is kitambo. The place is primo. The class is six. The teacher is at the front writing the lesson’s notes on the blackboard. The chick is sitting next to Marto. And Marto, well, is bugging her.

This is primary school, so you have to remember that ‘bugging’ a chick really meant you ‘loved’ that chick. The more you ‘bugged’ her the more you liked her.

Of course, as usual, this girl matured way before this boy (Marto is still struggling to mature) so her ‘interpretation’ skills changed. To her bugging is plain bugging. Not love. If it were last month, she would have felt the love, but she matured this month and she was now feeling bugged bugged.

Marto, like most guys, didn’t get (or show any intention of getting) an A in reading signs. So him he continues to share his love with this fly chick seated next to him. His deski. Despite the many attempts the chick is making to lenga him.

Ten minutes of ‘loving’, however becomes too much for our chiley. And since she’s mature enough, she doesn’t need any teacher’s assistance. She’s a lady and can take care of herself.

Oh and she did.

She reciprocates her ‘love’ by grabbing her newly sharpened Staedtler pencil and politely (with great force) shoving it, rather drilling it, into Marto’s head.

SCREAMS!

Teacher turns to find Marto with a pencil in his head. Used to Marto the teacher is cool,

“Martin, when I said put away your pencils, I didn’t say you could put yours there.”

Well, the teacher grasped the urgency of the situation when Marto didn’t laugh back. He usually laughs. He was rushed to the sanatorium in good time and unleashed for first aid.

Marto survived, and this moment in history was ‘penciled’ in his brain…plus, he never tried to show that much love again.

2. Itching for love!

The time; one evening many years later after the pencil ordeal.

The place; outside a chiley’s house.

The task; darting this fine squeeze.

(the exact conversation was left out because we discovered that being the only bean in someone’s githeri may not be very digestible in this day and age)

So Marto is over there at the gate of this gorgeous girl’s house. I must say lyrics were flowing. Darts were being unleashed in a way that would have made those guys who played the Tusker Festival of Darts very proud…

“Martin you require…”

Anyway, so yeah, lyrics were flowing. Yaani mpaka the chick had drawn a detailed map of Africa in the dirt.

Clarification.

The scene is actually set in Limuru, hence the dirt. And what happened to chileys drawing maps…I blame the lack of proper geography lessons. (ok, we also lost our mad skills)

If Marto had looked he would have finally seen where Guinea Bissau is located. But his eyes were fixated on the girl’s sweet round face. Once in a very frequent while the eyes would slide down her smooth curvaceous body, ‘speed bumping’ in the chest area. He would have looked into her eyes but she was feeling ‘shame on me’ coz of the sweet vibe she was getting so was looking away.

But like they say every good thing comes to an end.

“HAIYA! FATHE!”

The chick’s dad came home early that day. And he wasn’t in a happy mood. His drinking plan must have been katisiwad. The local Mwendas was closed. Anyway, whether he was in a good mood or not, there is no way you are ‘lyricing’ his daughter. Kwanza by Marto. Never. He’s not only afraid his ‘precious’ will be deflowered (too late) but he’s worried of the devaluation. Instead of the 100 heads of cattle as dowry she can attract, it would be like ten goats and a bonus of 20 chickens. After Marto is done with her.

Marto was a definite no-no!

So he had no time to run, plus the only exit was huko where the dad was coming from. He quickly and stealthily jumped into the bush nearby.

MISTAKE!

One word. (Unfortunately, I only know the Kikuyu name for it)

Dhafai!

(Dhafai is some plant with pumpkin-like leaves that cause a nasty itch when touched. I think it’s the stinging nettle.)

Marto had jumped head first into a bush of dhafai (stinging nettles). Two seconds later he was jumping out.

AAAAARGH!

He almost knocked chiley’s daddy down. And chiley’s daddy himself was so terrified he unleashed the only two karate stances he knew and the wildest battle cry he could muster.

AIYAAAAAAH!

In a flash, Marto had disappeared. Only stopping after a 500-metre sprint to scratch himself raw.

Poor Marto.

3. When darts meet arrows!

Yaani, by now Marto was wishing these were the good ol’ days. The days when guys just waited for chicks to go to the river and they would abscond with the flyest….and lightest.

Place; Limuru bado.

Exactly where; at the gate of ana’a chiley. (this was many months later…Marto sio playa)

Time; not the good ol’ days.

Marto had been seeing this chick for a while now. Three weeks, that’s quite a while.

Anyway, this chick’s digs is on the other ridge and getting to her place is a saga in itself. Hills, grasslands, fences, dogs, and when you get there, you have to deal with brothers. And of cos the father.

This time however, no bush or karate 101….

It was a fine Sato morning, around 11, and I was taking Marto to visit the ipod of his eye..(bana we are moving with the times, ‘apple’ is so old skool, na since Apple make macs, iphones and…). I hate taking guys to see their chicks, coz I usually end up zoobing and counting grass blades. But this day I was bored and I’d rather count blades, plus, you never know labda ako na sister…

We had successfully conquered the hills, fyekad through the grasslands, jumped fences, fed the dogs with dust as we ran…so now we just had to deal with the bros and the fathe.

We were just entering the gate when…

WHOOOOSH!

Eish. We looked at each other. What was that?

WHOOOOOSH!

Enyewe, I had joked that I can dodge bullets, but these weren’t bullets.

“NYINYI!”

We looked up to see the fathe, gesturing angrily at us. In his hand was…boss, a bow. On his shoulder, a quiver full of rusted arrows. Once again it seemed that Marto’s reputation had preceded him.

ZOOOM!

We were away!

Back the same way we came. Dogs, fences, grassland, hills, etc only faster. For half the way, the fathe was unleashing arrows at us. Luckily you can’t shoot straight from a bow while running. Yaani, one fathe had jifanyad Jackie Chan, this one now was Robin Hood. And he wasn’t robbing no rich folk.

Needless to say, that ka relationship didn’t last.

The things we go through for love! Rather, the things Marto went through for love.

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Comments»

1. Kirima - October 9, 2007

And you know what like a dog which comes panting back to the owner who greets it with a kick we will do it again and again and again…….
Hats off to Marto LOL!!!

unfortunately true!

2. Xs - October 9, 2007

LMAO – Those ‘love’ escapades are toooo deadly!

Modo, when am i meeting you? I need to confirm you dont have any Alama’s kwa kichwa…..you know – pencil marks…LOL

Dhafai hehhehe i think its called thaa in kimeru…..

nitarudia…i’m not Marto. no alamas in the head please…

3. threetypesofcrazy - October 9, 2007

Marto strikes again…………..iisssshhhh, I have to go and eat “new potatos” at some zungu’s house. I see this post requires time. Will be back, ebu put the saucepan of tea on the stove and start roasting that maize. I will be back.

tunapepeta mahindi…new potatoes?

4. gish - October 9, 2007

Marto a man after my own heart, u made my moi day eve. lmao at thaa and the dads.

is your paps harsh? i’ll tell Marto there’s a ‘safe’ target…

5. three types of crazy - October 9, 2007

Marto pole, I hope things are asier now and dad are more friendly.

so far so good, though some fathes are in the army…friendliness yet to be tested…na mi sio Marto

6. makanga - October 9, 2007

Go getta that guy.

he’s my hero…

7. Shamza - October 10, 2007

Are we at it again Marto? Off to read!

of course…

8. pilato - October 10, 2007

Marto almost meets his Maker..Not once but thrice because of tuShe fulani and you are saying ati Marto sio playa…Things playas go through for love..LOL

Dhafai..Waswahili wa Pwani call it upupu

marto playa…LOLest, that’s a laugh…ye hubahatisha. aka survival ni bahati. his guardian angel is working overtime. thanks for the info on ‘upupu’.

9. bobby - October 10, 2007

You need to write a book titled “Marto’s Tribulations” … you do that and i will order at least a thousand from ya … marto …dem bwoy deh bad… LOL LOL LOL LOL… hey even if marto is actually you who cares…. 😀

i’ve been actually thinking of doing that. his will be some huge book…Marto really isn’t me…really!

10. jadekitten - October 11, 2007

Only Marto…hehe…Kwanza that dhafai. I have MANY not-fond memories from my childhood. Tihiii.

enyewe ‘dhafai’ has a special place in almost every child’s ‘hood…hehehe…

11. bryjoe - October 11, 2007

whoever said that love is pain must have had marto in mind.

Ps am going with this vibe for marto not being you…

thank you at least someone believes me…shingo upande…

12. frankie - October 11, 2007

post made my day..very funny marto..i mean Modo..

very funny frankie!

13. Mocha! - October 11, 2007

LMAO…..ati ‘ipod’ of his eye!!! This one takes the cake!

it’s a Marto quote…

14. betty - October 11, 2007

must nominated Marto for that presidential award for “shujaa number moja”..aiiiii dhafai and then arrows lol na wewe you are a loyal friend..bado unampeleka kuona mazi wake after such escapes?

niko na yeye mpaka mwisho. marto doesn’t give up easily…

15. Prettylyf - October 11, 2007

ROTFLOL

hehehe!

16. archer - October 11, 2007

“Martin, when I said put your pencils away, I didn’t say you could put yours there!” LMAO x 10!

Marto is just like Wile E Coyote, never seems to have any luck ever.

i’d be convinced he’s wile e coyote’s inspiration if he wasn’t born in kenya, much much later…bahati yake ni interesting, somehow he gets away with it….

17. frankie - October 12, 2007

about dhafai..tsk tsk…remember that from my childhood days..man, didn’t it sting.

you too had a stinging encounter eh?

18. Klara - October 12, 2007

RONFL…
Yaani Marto amekipitia kweli he’s must be rare True Love..

trust me hutapata mwingine kama yeye…

19. komi - October 12, 2007

Marto again ha. Thabai would be the right kyuk spelling and it stings alright. First play time in boarding I attempted to hide under such a thicket as Marto, wacha tu. I settled for kati and bladder after that.

komi, welcome back! we’ve missed you and your inspiration. hope all i cool!

20. sisbigbones - October 13, 2007

LOL….love knows no boundaries. Hats off to Marto

MARTO sans frontieres! he knows none too.

21. mwari - October 14, 2007

Hi, first time here. thanks for your visits to my blog. You have an interesting blog!

thanks and welcome. At the corner there you’ll find tea and bickies!

22. Minty - October 15, 2007

Catching my breath after a long guffawing session. That stinging plant is nasty!! I will remember to plant some outside my daughter’s bedroom window.

it’s bound to keep them away, if not…at least she can’t sneak out. welcome to the couch!

23. Klara - October 15, 2007

LOL..True Modo..Hiyo yake ni ya kipekee…
Enjoy ur week dia…

and you too!

24. kipusa - October 15, 2007

I just love reading your posts on all mondays coz you make my week

and you give me the psyche to continue, and i will. thanks!

25. boyfulan¿ - October 15, 2007

tomatoeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,thats what i call some atha pal aslo called mato. juzi he left his pants at the ‘scene’ of crime..mato shud meet him perhaps to confer notes htihiihihi. anywe, wot u been up2?

it must be then all martins…i’ve been easy. we ndio umenyamaza saaaana!

26. wambui jr - October 15, 2007

rofl…you know, that chick in standard 6 reminds me an awful lot of myself…great post 😀

haiya ata wewe ulidungana kichwa…WAII!

27. bomseh - October 15, 2007

Birds of a feather…. For you to flock with Marto, you must also have good love (mis)adventures. Hebu unleash.

you wish!

28. Farmgal - October 15, 2007

Aki I tried commenting here on the weekend! Haidhuru am here now.
Lakini that one of the pencil ..double ouch! Na dhafai! marto lol!

29. muthii fulani - October 16, 2007

dude that nettle stinging ish..then barbed wire, si you know on a dark night weka dogs chasing, leading a pack of angry fellows you sliced, dark night, then thorny shrubs…aiii!! Misadventures of youth, i got scars, deep ones kwanza! dude was not lucky, si mungepull matrix moves yaani, its a good thing that he was a bad shot, si angesimama tu kwa mti and pick you off like that movie gentlemen something, but not with a gun, with a bow, tihiii!! aki i am still in stitches, give me more! i want more stories, i am sure he did not just attempt two…..:=))

30. egm - October 17, 2007

Haha! Yaani this Marto phella. Si you just write a book like Bobby says? I would definitely buy it!

31. Iwaya - October 17, 2007

Did Modo, I mean Marto ever get beyond first base? 😉 Did Marto win any sprinting competitions in school? This is what they mean when they say, “dying for love!” 😀

32. kip - October 17, 2007

lol at marto you know one of my real life friends is called mato ,,,, ako na drama mob …

33. Zack - October 23, 2007

Well, First Time here but seriously I got stitches reading this article… Had lotsa drama those days lakini this Marto dude… yeye ni mshindi!!! Will definately be back for Marto Stories…

34. bantu - November 23, 2007

Ala-Marto-mdhulilahi!! Si I’d missed laughing this much…Io ya ipod imenishaga propa..

35. crystalballs - December 6, 2007

oh, is that why the boys bugged me in primo? wawawawa! si wangesema tu ! they’d have got my phone number instead of black eyes!

na fadhe hata hakuwa na domez – labda mum. She’d just say “what are your intentions to my daughter…” kinda scary when you’re all of eight years old…

But now that i have all splenged up and turned 21st century, they’re the ones feeling bugged! sob sob, the good ol’ days!


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