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Modo’s Mojo’s Moda’d April 30, 2008

Posted by modoathii in uninspired.
22 comments

I’m feeling mathogothanio. Nothing to do with the heart and soul.

I’m feeling unmotivated. Everything to do with heart and soul.

I’m in the blogger bog.

I don’t feel like thinking. Saving on brain mileage.

I’m feeling like the Kenyan politicians….NOTHING!

I’m bored out of my wits. Which is strange coz I’m without.

I’m bila vibe. Marto has gone AWOL on me. AWOL for Marto means he is behaving. I think he got himself a gal. SHARE THE LOVE BRO!

Even the comics I read to unwind aren’t helping. Maybe they will help you.

*point to note* I’m not depressed. I’m just not motivated.

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVE A GREAT LABOUR WEEKEND!

Four better or four worse… April 16, 2008

Posted by modoathii in tag.
24 comments

This is a post I tried avoiding but Sybella and Valentia (shaking fist…LOL!) insisted….SAAAAWAAA!

FOUR JOBS I HAVE WORKED

1. Teacher (who taught for 5 minutes)
2. Copywriter
3. Editor (of the first and only estate magazine)
4. Artist/painter/designer for hire

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER

1. Shrek (I know it word for word)
2. Ratatouille (I’ve never loved a rat – Marto doesn’t count – like I love this one)
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. The Prestige, Snatch, Cars

FOUR PLACES I HAVE LIVED

Since I haven’t left the country long enough to ‘live’…
1. Limuru
2. Wangige
3. Kibera
4. Nairobi West
…na bado!

FOUR TV SHOWS I LOVE

1. The Pretender
2. Hustle
3. My name is Earl
4. (okay, I’m not big on TV series’)

FOUR PLACES I HAVE BEEN ON VACATION

1. Mombasa
2. Kampala
3. Dar
4. Towns around Kenya…many more to go

FOUR OF MY FAVOURITE FOODS

1. Not pumpkin
2. Not cooked bananas…though the fried ones in UG were awesome
3. Kenchic chicken…only when I’m from a rave.
4. I very well eat anything…except 1 and especially 1

FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE NOW

1: With her (no link…and, don’t bother mousing over)
2: Not in the office definitely
3: Not home either
4: Anywhere I’ve never been

Then the creative Tandra went and did a different one (shaking fist)….YIKES….

FOUR JOBS I WOULD LOVE TO WORK!

1. Journalist
2. Trucker – Seriously, not coz of the pay, but coz of the ‘touring’. Hmmm, i don’t think then I’d ever get any deliveries done.
3. UN, or even Red Cross
4. A jobo where my money is now working for me…payback time.

FOUR MOVIES I WOULD LOVE TO DIRECT
All four, and however many more, will have to be my own obviously.

waiiit instead… FOUR PEOPLE/STEREOTYPES I WOULD WRITE OUT OF THE SCRIPT

1. The African, Chinese or whoever who insists on being in my movie but since I can’t pay him, I have to kill him early in the movie.
2. The silly characters who even in the eye of danger are still ‘filming’ and doing silly things unnatural. So clearly Cloverfield would never have happened if it was on my watch. I mean honestly, you’re under attack but you are holding the camera and still shooting, and he ain’t the reporter or anything. WTF?
3. Steven Siegel and all the freaking rappers who try to act with or without him.
4. Woody Allen, I don’t know. I don’t hate him, just guys don’t like him, so why not join them. heheheheh….

PLACES I WOULD LOOOVE LOOOOOVE TO LIVE OR AT LEAST VISIT

1. Jamaica. Stereotypical curiosity.
2. The French or English countryside. The green vastness calls out to me. France I added to the list coz of Ratatouille. Hey blame the rat…
3. Japan. No idea why. Maybe just so that everyday my neighbour Nokosodi Kumamoto (and others) can make my day by just introducing himself.
4. Switzerland. Just coz she said it was a nice place.

FOUR TV SHOWS/ SERIES I’D LOVE TO BE ON THE SET FOR

Jeez Tandra, what the?

1. Friends
2. Scrubs

Eish, after being on sets for ads, I know it’s a tiring and tedious process…so please just show me the finished product….wait…

3. Cobra Squad – I just want to know how exactly they got away with such bad acting. Was the director asleep? Juiced? You know what, for this one, don’t even show me the finished product.

4. Porn flick – I want to see how the cameramen and sound guys, er, hold it down.


FOUR PLACES I WOULD LIKE TO GO ON VACATION

1. Italy
2. Egypt, via the Nile
3. Any town in Kenya, I’ve never been to…just so that I can club like crazy since no one knows me…so is that really a vacation
4. Pack up my Land Rover and just explore, (with pals, but mostly with the ‘one who loves going’)

Actually for me, anywhere I’ve never been before is good enough.

FOUR FOODS I WOULD KILL TO LEARN TO COOK

Okay, this is…I mean, why would I want to kill anyone, and so that I can learn to COOK?

Now who to tag…crap, hate this bit too. haiya, betty, phassie, archie, bomseh, 1nt3ll1g3n514! shucks 1nt3l has already been tagged…so what say you gish?

A European, a China man, an Indian, a Somali and a Kenyan walk into a bar… April 9, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
26 comments

…find music playing and a-dancing they would go. Or so they thought.

European: Just 10 seconds is all I ask. 10 seconds so I can enter into this junguz head (not the one at kachoi or the one at buffet park) to see, or hear, what the HELL he was dancing to. It wasn’t the drum beat, or the bass guitar. It sure as hell wasn’t the lyrics, or at least, the cacophony.

China man: Tell me Mr Shaolin (ex shaolin at that) what were you doing? This guy was dancing slow-motion (to a fast track). His hands were apart and he was swaying aka floating, plus pulling the matrix moves of dodging bullets but he wain’t dodging jack. He was crouching like a tiger, at times holding his hidden dragon.

Indian: Haiya, now this guy was a classic. Vot vas he thinking yeah? He voz dancing like he voz boxing in some rat ready to kill it only. In this case the rat was his ‘chick’. He was moving his ‘kushoto na kulia’ hands ‘mbele na nyuma’ not letting the chick move left or right. Then of course he began sweating. Aaaand what does this MF decide to do? Remove his F shirt. LORD! Even the bouncer had to prod him with a long stick coz of the STINK! Dandora garbage site has nothing on him. He was a weapon of mass stink.

Somali: Dancing in the shower is allowed but please, please, PLEASE no ‘showering’ on the dance floor. The chick should have told him to leave the self-exploration, self-cleaning to when in shower. But he was dancing alone. No points for guessing why.

Kenyan: Now the Kenyan, dear ol’ Kenyan male. Now honestly, I agree with ladies, Kenyan men are the worst dancers especially when drunk. Picture this, there was his chick who had nice, er, ‘goods’ and she was dancing like she’s straight off a Lil John video (YEEEEAAAAH!) Man, she was shaking it like a salt shaker, but our Kenyan guy (like many I know…don’t usually know myself when drunk so I’m not here) kept pulling her behind to his crotch area and simulating a ‘doggy-style’, hence messing with her un-choreographed moves. And spoiling entertainment for use ‘alone’ dudes. “Dude, she can dance, you can’t.” Yo, move get out tha’ way…

What a night! And…

I’m not talking about the ladies. Well they didn’t disappoint. I was feasting my eyes on dress codes out of Paris and Milan catwalks, some from lunar and looney catwalks. Even saw one dressed as a mboch.

And…

I’m not even talking about the dude who looked like he’d call on ‘mwaura‘ any time. And he did. Or the 60-somthing sikh “seeking a companion to rock his ‘archaic’ world.” Or his son (they looked like it) who were tempted to touch, but only started touching when ol’ man sikh was overcome by temptation and ‘touched’ the mboch.

Or the ‘loose’ nut desperate for a ‘driver’ to screw her ‘tight’ who believed we were from America (jeez ever heard a shrabber wenging), who wasn’t “on the dance froo mbicoz I haven’t risten to a song I ryk” and wanted us to “mbuy me a brack ice”. It was hard to keep a straight face pretending not to understand which drink this is that was ‘brack’.

I had a great night. If you’re ever bored and need to jazz up your evening, go to Mad House, F1. Alone or with buddies. Never with your chick!

 

Glossary (this is for you, yes you Sybella)

mboch – house girl

mwaura – puke/vomit

shrabber – someone who ‘L’ is ‘R’ and ‘R’ is ‘L’. (ara-ero)

wenging – tweng

Their peace will be held down for them… April 3, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
24 comments

 

“If anyone has any objection as to why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

 

A nervous Marto doesn’t even bother to look behind. He’s expecting objections.

 

An amused pastor cranes his neck over Marto’s shoulder. He’s expecting objections too.

 

An excited congregation looks around. They too are expecting objections.

 

Thankfully, sadly, and disappointedly (sic), respectively, there are none.

 

Why?

 

Marto, the pastor, and the congregation had spotted many of his old flames very much alight, glowing with eagerness to mess things up. What they didn’t know was that Marto had friends he could count on to hold things down when the storm blew in. And I mean ‘hold things down’.

 

(the rewind sound effect, screech or anything that depicts a ‘say what’ moment.)

 

Erm, I know, owing to the people who I know are going “HUH! MARTO MARRIED?” I need to clarify something.

 

MARTO ISN’T, HASN’T, WE THINK WON’T, GET MARRIED!

 

The reason, he has too many dames. Not dames he is chatting up, dames he has never really, never REALLY told it’s over. Marto explains….

 

“How can I tell them it’s over if it never really began? We are just friends.”

 

But they don’t think so…

 

“Shauri yao”

 

So if Marto ever decides to meet that Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Princess with or without the pea, Snow White, the beautiful Nyakeo or whoever else he thinks they can live happily ever after with, the church would have more drama than when (insert hunky Mexican dude’s name) catches (insert name of sexy Mexican babe, who the soap is named) in bed with (insert name of the hunkier but bitter rival of first hunky dude). Ladies, please do the honours.

 

That will be unless his boys hold down the forte. And I mean ‘hold down’.

 

You see, we are sure that all and I mean, all his flames, the distinguished and the extinguished, will be there. And where will we be? Right next to them. Marto that day won’t have a line-up.

 

The Best Man will be seated on aisle 3 next to Shiro. The grooms men will be in Aisle 5, 8, the back bench next to Eileen*, Mariam* and Shiro Nakamura. And Linda* will be in the ladies, er, washroom, locked in. Others will be discovering a little too late that they are in the wrong church at the wrong wedding. Others will still be waiting for the wedding day.

 

Marto has confused many.

 

(Back to “…speak now or forever hold your peace/piece.”)

 

When the pastor looks over Marto’s shaking shoulder, and if he pays close attention, he will notice, three or four ladies in the congregation fidgeting and looking nervously at the guy sitting next to each. The guys on the other hand will be stone-faced and unlike the congregation, will be the only ones not looking around.

 

This is how it will work…

 

The guy seating next to the potential wedding wrecker will, at the moment the pastor says “…hold your peace”, with all his might and all means necessarily as coolly, calmly and discreetly hold down the chick. She will think she’s been superglued to the seat (that’s my strategy), then the guy will issue a chilling threat in his most scary voice ever.

 

“Jaribu uone!”

 

or

 

“I know where your cat lives!”

 

This takes care of any verbal protests she may decide to employ. I will gag mine, or better yet, plant a nice one on the lips. Hey any means necessary.

 

And the pastor will insist…

 

“Anyone?”

 

Not a soul. Stir they will but raise they will not.

 

“Going once, going twice…”

 

Not a voice. Just squeaks from the benches with the ladies.

 

“(Disappointed) I now pronounce you, Mr and Mrs Marto.”

 

And we shall all rise, clap, ululate, throw rice (and nasty glances from the chicks), happily. Suddenly, Marto’s line-up would reappear. Though some of the groomsmen will need some re-grooming.

 

So Marto, if you decide to get married, MWAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH….oops sorry,

 

…if you decide to get married, we’ll hold down the forte. And I mean ‘hold down’.

 

*names have been changed for security purposes, Marto’s. And sitting arrangements and where who will be, who will be locked in or who will be at the wrong venue may change on the actual day, but Best Man will get Shiro, she’s a handful and he has big hands.