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I’m still thinking of the other girl! May 21, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
41 comments

Six years ago I got into a relationship with…let’s call her Jane, Jane Waithera Thairu. My relationship with Jane was great. And really fulfilling. But after five years, I decided to end it.

I needed out. I needed to, be with other people and see how it was.

Of course, she wasn’t pleased. She tried everything. She cried. She cajoled. She even tried to throw money at me.

She had more money than me. Okay I confess I was living off her. Who wouldn’t.

But, this new chick, Ann Yolanda, Now Anne Yolanda ‘Naitore’ Riungu, had more cash. More cash to throw around. Plus she gave me opportunity to grow. With her I was my own boss. Well, a little. But I could do what i wanted.

I never told Jane my reason for leaving. She suspected I was after the money.

She wasn’t totally wrong.

Okay, Okay. I admit, I’m a gold-digga. I dare you to say you ain’t. Finish the story and you’ll see why I say this. (By the way, this story has already gotten me in trouble thus far…but I beg, finish and you’ll understand)

So anyway, my relationship with Ann Yolanda was great. Of course, initially it wasn’t all smooth, but after an year it was all right. Then…

Jane called.

Memories flooded back.

My heart warmed.

She was crying. (okay, she was forceful)

She threw money at me.

You guessed it, I warmed more.

You see, for me, getting monetary satisfaction from these kind of people is my motivation. They have dosh to throw around…so why not screw with it. And hey, if it helps me grow to be a better person, why not?

Back to the story.

The only problem was, Jane wanted me back ASAP. Apparently, she had found a replacement who wasn’t satisfying her, you know, properly. She was desperate. Just as I like ’em.

She needed me. WOW!

Now how to tell Ann Yolanda.

SHE CAUSED!

and caused.

Sad, it had to be. I was going back to my previous love. Jane was kinda good to me. Ann Yolanda wasn’t.

Now I’m back with Jane Waithera Thairu. BUT….

I can’t stop thinking about Ann Yolanda ‘Naitore’ Riungu. Let it be a lesson to y’all, Never get into a relationship immediately you leave one.

With that lesson, can someone please explain this to my new boss at JWT. He totally refused to give me a ‘dumping’ period. Even a week. He wanted me to start work for him immediately, at a better pay of course, but I needed a period to get over the place I used to be.

Now, I keep thinking about AY ‘n’ R.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehheheehehehe

10,000 BC… May 7, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
24 comments

Hairy man, dressed in one-month old mammoth skin, sitting on most comfortable rock spots equally hairy woman dressed in the latest sabre-tooth skin dress walking by. He get nice feeling and beneath the hairy mammoth skin, hairy snake rises.

“Ooooga moooga?” He asks his fellow hairy man.

“Mooga oo oo ooooo!!” His pal replies and smacks his lips.

Hairy man, lifts his crude weapon. (The Swahili and every Kenyan in general calls it a rungu) They still had not discovered smooth…well…ehee…

He approaches the so-to-speak sexy woman from an angle.

Woman blushes red.

He whacks her on the head.

Woman gushes red.

Mr. Man (they didn’t know how to speak so clearly they couldn’t give names) grabs ‘sexy’ mama by the hair. Luckily for our Mr. Man, the women were yet to discover salons ama kuna vile huyo msee would never have been able to grab any normal blooded woman’s hair like that. Anyway, he grabs her, by the hair, and drags the love-struck and club-struck woman to his cave and declares…

OOOGA!

 

1800 AD

My great great great great great great great great (etc) grandfather (one ‘great’ is coz he was indeed a great fellow) is chilling with his boys, on a comfortable rock, dressed in fresh goat-skin taking care of the herd. (Sample the dogs that always follow him around). He’s a ka-young fellow and clearly they are the village handies (runs in the family).

Shortly they hear sweet angelic voices as the village damsels waltz their way to the river giggling and laughing.

“Great-to-the-power-of-ten” grand zakes and his boys look through the bushes and spy the most beautiful chicks ever. They get inspired and aroused (I would too if I espied a topless girl), but “great-power-ten” grand zakes reacts quickest. While the others are deciding on who to grab for who, my rela has huko rukad mapema mapema and gone and grabbed the most beautiful one of them all.

He carries her on his shoulders and quickly runs home. He bursts into his fathe’s house and declares…

WIFE!

 

2008 – the year of the Lord and the year of smarter, more tactful fellows, except…

…except this buffoon who is sitting on his comfortable stool, not rock, at a bar sipping on his tanye (ehem, Tusker) and talking to his boys. In walks this fly arse mama (in our company). Him and his boys are er…excited. So instead of this jamaa swinging and sambaza-ing his lyrics like every modern man, he opts for the “traditional” approach.

This is his plan…

There’s a road trip out of town which we (including fly-arse) have pangad. Then apparently buffoon, who is a friend of our friend, decides he’s also coming. Over a few pints our idiot pal and fly-arse get conversing…but jamaa bado hasn’t angushad lines.

Anyway, come weekend and safari goes without a hitch and we reach destination town where we link up with…our pal and buffoon. It gets dark and buffoon, okay, I’ll call him Jack…but I hope you will appreciate the tact of not calling him JERK!….so Jack runs off and starts booking rooms for us. He doesn’t know our sleeping arrangement (since anyway we did comewith fly-arse in the same ride)….but he’s decided he’s smarter.

Since he can’t katia (lyric assault) this mama, he decides to force her to sleep in his room. How? He books one room less hoping since the mama will have nowhere to sleep she will ‘join’ him.

I know it’s 2008. I was surprised too.

What Jack forgot was that, this chick was in her home area. Anajuana na kila mtu mpaka bar-maid, hawezi kosa place ya kulala. (argh, she knows everyone in that town including the barmaid, so she can’t miss a place to sleep) So Jack as we all know slept solo and his pals all declared in unison…

KABANG!

But really, I thought this style of getting a chiley to sleep with you went out of fashion.

Aw well, barbarians never die.

 

*kabang – means in a nutshell, he never got any.