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Curtains June 25, 2008

Posted by modoathii in Uncategorized.
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This is a collection of short stories.

 

SLOW: MOOD SWINGS AHEAD!

So, who’s with me?

Who agrees with me that women should walk around with mood billboards the size of egos, and have a PR guy follow them around, warning the world of their shifty moods? The PR guy is to make sure you don’t get the mood wrong.

JEEZ! Clearly I’m not good at reading ‘signs’.

Mazee, today, I went to ask some chick who’s in charge of some project if I could skive her project presentation so I could for the Safcom marathon at Lewa. BOSSSSSS!

“Good morning?” I asked pleasantly to warm her.

“Hallo” She replied coldly to warn me.

Brrrrr! “So I, er, understand there’s a presentation tomorrow…Friday? Er, am I in it?”

“Yes.”

C-c-c-c-cold. Man what’s with her. At this point. I walk away coz the big sign, which I’m about to ignore, says “DON’T TALK TO ME.”

I pause at her door thinking heck, let me try and break the ice with a joke.

Guys, word of advice, never try breaking ice with a joke. Use an ice pick. Or in this case just leave it be. I tried…

“Aaaa, so unaelewa kuna vile tunaenda kulewa kule Lewa na____”*

“I DON’T CARE!”

What happened next was a blur. All I remember is that it felt as if I had stuck my head out the window of a fast moving car. My face was flushed and my dreads were, you know, winded. 

So no LEWAring for me at LEWA, mnaeLEWA? Juu mi sielewi vile kusoma signs.**

 

Glossary

*Aaaa, so do you know guys are going drinking in Lewa.

**So no drinking for me at Lewa, understand? Coz I don’t know how to read signs. Best said in swa.

 

HAWKING IN THE LEAFY SUBURBS!

Fifty bob! Hamsini! Hamsini! Fifty bob!

Okay in this case the stock is cheaper, 25 or 30 bob depending on the markets.

But this isn’t the stock market people…this is the snack market.

Yep. Due to some…actually I don’t know how I got myself into this fix.

Here is a brief history.

While with Ann Yolanda I had a healthy appetite and a wallet to match. As others were consuming snacks worth a measly 7 sok, at most a G, per month, I checked in with a whooping 3.5K bill.

I moved up to celebrity status. The snack’s lady had found a gold mine. She could now dream of moving her kids from Free-8-then-fo-fo-fo system to ile ya wazungu (GCE). She was making it big time. Profit margins were in a percentage only Safcom understand (note I said percentage) Rumor had it because business was sooooo good she had also planned an IPO. And being a JJ she had pictured a hummer. But she don’t say.

But Jane Waithera called and, well, it was a sad history. Business went down, she had to fire someone, 8-4-4 ya wazungu was out and IPO, haipo. As for hummer….eish, unless nihame tena.

Since she was good to me, like 20kg good, I said I’d scout for her business wherever I was going.

Now here I am. Selling snacks. In the office huku Racecourse Karen. Competing successfully against ana’a lady who was there before but customers complained that her product was baaaaad! Now for her business is slow. She still doesn’t know I’m the one who’s doing her in.

The day I disappear for long and you find me in a ditch with a samosa up my throat (I’m praying she won’t put it in my arse) just know she knows.

Gats to go, customers are calling. Samosas anyone?

 

WHAT’S YOUR HANGOVER MADE OF?

This is the (short) story of the chick who found us generously downing vodoski at Marto’s place.

After watching us teremshaing with glee she asked for some too. Now Marto wasn’t feeling this chick. He never has. And he wasn’t about to lose precious vodo to this chick.

But he had no choice. Maboys told him to wekea her some dose.

Reluctantly he grabbed a glass and wekad a healthy amount. The chick said she’ll chapa (drink) it with coke. Marto smiled.

The chick took a sip and winced. “It’s strong, but sawa tu.”

Marto’s smile got ‘louder’.

The aftee wore on and the wench after a few many tots started saying she’s feeling tipsy.

Marto SOLed. (What? Oh, he Smiled out Loud)

Night checked in with all the passwords, and our heroine had had too much too drink, she claimed she was now high.

Marto ROFS (Come on, you guys are bloggers, you know this one)

She stood up swaying and staggered out of Marto’s crib. The next day she called us and she complained of a massive hangover.

Marto could take it no more. He ROFSHAO.

All this time we were looking at Marto wondering why the loud smiles. Kumbe, Marto instead of mixing for her vodo and coke…

…was putting WATER AND COKE!

We ROFLOAO!

 

STALKERS!

Why doesn’t it happen to me? Why? Why? Why?

You know those stalkers who usually call and they just breathe into the phone? The ones who even though you put them near a booming tenje they just ‘listen’? Well my pal has one. And I don’t.

Okay, listen, I know it’s some scary shit and all. Especially, if it’s a dude. But it’s a chick and I’m thinking, week one I’ll want to know who be you, then when I know your game, I’m gon’ play with you…and you don’t want to play with us creative types. I mean think about it, everyday will be a challenge for me to be more creative to piss them off.

How cool is that? And imagine the endless blog stories.

And at this point I’m dragged back to my padded cell.

 

CURTAINS!

I have some sad news.

I am taking a hiatus…a longer one, this time. And…unfortunately I may not return.

The couch has served its purpose, it’s now time to step aside and you know, wachia wengine. I started it as a challenge and I have achieved what I set out to achieve.

I’ve met a few bloggers, become friends, loved some, had tiffs with others…actually I haven’t, but the whole journey has been great. I now have to take my bow, and take my leave. I leave you in the able hands of other worthy bloggers. Y’all know them.

I have a serious dent in mojo, helped massively, actually, helped exclusively by time constraints. I have no time to even read your posts. But I’ll be around reading and enjoying them great blogs out there. So mkiona modo something or other, msalimie…

Be easy.

Keep blogging (from someone who isn’t..heheheh)

Modo taking leave!

Exit stage left!

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Comments»

1. Tandra - June 25, 2008

o hai! u r a live!

i has boots!!!!

now to read

2. Tandra - June 25, 2008

no!! y dyu have to go when i just found u??? why??? ooooo why???????

(((waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiils)))

3. CB - June 25, 2008

hope you’ll be back, we’ll miss you !

4. CB - June 25, 2008

aw crap. pink. ^$^%$%$&^%($$%&^%&^%

5. CB - June 25, 2008

sigh. well at least am not in moderation…

6. CB - June 25, 2008

YAY!! okay enough already. seriously, me i myself personally will miss your blog. so hurry back – that’s an order!!

7. 31337 - June 25, 2008

don’t trip on that undone shoelace!

waves. turns and walks away head down.

8. girlmusings - June 25, 2008

Pole Modo for the botched LEWA plan. BCNU soon i am sure

9. egm - June 25, 2008

Pole dude bout that Lewa thwart. But that just means kukus will be murdered elsewhere.

Now this maneno of leaving, Never say Never. When time becomes more abundant, I’m sure we’ll be treated to more madness from the couch.

10. jasmine - June 25, 2008

noooooooooooooooooooooooo! no leave. not for you…sob.sob.

i enjoyed this. immensely.

kati now, if you go on leave how will we know whudunnit when your body turns up with a samosa pushed up places? we’ll not know what u been upto lately…so…

ah man, come back quickly. find time and blog. or something. just come back!

(have i mourned enough? i can do 10 pages if u want.)

11. Kirima - June 25, 2008

ROTFSMAO!
Great mini posts, I agree women need to wear a mood crystal on their foreheads, Approach when its green, tiptoe when its amber and run for shelter when its Red.
Somehow I missed the last paragraph it went sort of blurry on my screen. lakini tutaLEWA tu.

12. Unyc - June 25, 2008

Ann Yolanda is better than Jane Waithera? Then y did u leave!

Marto is gone? Sob sob!

Blog mojo will be back…u will be back!!

13. threetypesofcrazy - June 25, 2008

I got as far as the samosa story and need to take a break before I pee in my pants. dude you are funny. Okay back to read.

14. threetypesofcrazy - June 25, 2008

mbu you are leaving???? what did you say about not having a stalker- wacha I see what I can do.

15. Xs - June 25, 2008

DUDE – You are funny. Usijali, kuLEWA tutaLEWA, hata wakikataa tutaLEWA tu. You know how we do it!

Alafu Samosa tena? No wonder u r giving me compe on Kitambi area…..LOL

Ati u r leaving? NO WONDER I DIDNT GET MY DAILY (dose) OF QUOTES!!!!!!! I know where you live (or Archer can show me), i’ll hurt you down….. Jaribu uone

16. Xs - June 25, 2008

hurt=hunt…. Blame HOLSTEN’s..

17. valentia - June 26, 2008

okie I decided to read a short story a day….and leave a comment everyday…..so now I’ve reached the comments and I’m seeing ur leaving???? but why?????????????????

lol..I agree we need mood billboards..I’ve been thru enough this week even me I’m shocked by myself….sorry about the botched Lewa plans…sometimes women can’t help it……a mood attacks u..and you must attack everyone on sight!

18. Mr. B2B - June 26, 2008

@Val
attack everyone on sight huh!
seriously!

Support that mood billboards thingie Modo….

@Modo
Water and Coke…
Kill…
Killer….
Killest!!!

And that creative blog shyte for stalkers is the shyte!

19. Mahuwa - June 26, 2008

I’ll stalk u hata mimi. U can’t leave now, not yet.

20. valentia - June 27, 2008

day 2…comment 2….lol..in that case please come and sell snacks here in Bongo Land….tafadhali…as in not in a bad way but they cook with so much mafuta…my wowowo..is err….wower than ever..ama I stop snacking?? anyhu…come to Bongo!!!!!!!!!!

@ B2B..okie I make exceptions for the few nice people in my life…..

21. Miss Cheri - June 27, 2008

I know u’ll be back Modo. Know why, cuz the dents happen to the best of us.

I trust my instinct. U’ll be back.

But that stalker story, u want one? Gimme your number gimme your name (ha, I’m lyricing).

But seriously…

22. Ngare - June 27, 2008

Wat! Leaving? Just when i was getting cosy in the couch!!! You cant be serious! Now where will i be going to get some laughs and hilarious perspective on life!
You know you inspired me to start blogging!
Hope one day ill be in the same league as you…..
Fare thee well.

23. 3N - June 27, 2008

LMAO @ maji na coke…chic needs help
as for leaving, si you will be lurking until mojo get back? Enjoy the break and hopefully get stalked and resume entertaining.
cheers

24. valentia - June 30, 2008

Just read the maji and coke story…seriously amused my day 🙂

25. pilato - June 30, 2008

This house without the COUCH is like Beyonce without her tempting ass, flat boring..Come back Modo,we need more of your type in here to lighten us when the day gets gloomy

26. modoathii - July 1, 2008

wassap peeps, najua mazee kuina vile nikugwan…oh sorry, translation please.

i know it’s hard but kuna vile, (there is how) if i return it will be a while. wacha nijisort (leave i sort myself)…you never know, enyewe the couch was really really comfy…

thanks for the cool comments.

and yeah, i’ll be lurking until the ‘lacking’ feeling goes away..hopefully.

27. valentia - July 1, 2008

So…comment number I dunno what (this should convince you to stay)…ati you want a stalker ama you wanna be a stalker??? hauwu….but why?? but I get the whole comedic thing of looking for new and improved ways to piss someone off..

28. cheeky chap - July 1, 2008

First of all, pole for the Lewa let down. The mood monitor is all in how tightly the lips are squezzed together; not squezzed=all clear; a tad bit squeezed=proceed with extreme caution; vice-like grip=abort mission, rendezvous at safe house.

Water and coke? Totally brilliant.

You take your break. You will be back!

29. Mocha! - July 1, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at the tustories! Dude, you are hilarious.

As for the hiatus part….WHY???? See you when I land Nai!!!

30. savvy - July 2, 2008

ok, modo, just when you have a huge collection of groupies, me being ur number one fan, u decide to up and disappear? 😦

31. savvy - July 2, 2008

sob sob

32. savvy - July 2, 2008

seriously now, that was hillarious..ati she was high on coke and water?? massive hangover? i guess it is a state of the mind…

and sorry about ur boss and the lewa thing…hopefully, u’ll be there for the next marathon, and the next, and the next…

33. Kei - July 2, 2008

ROFS… I’ll have to try that coke and water shiznit….

34. Sybella - July 4, 2008

i think your blog don’t like me… chewed up my comment so many times…

but, we shall welcome you back with open arems after your sojourn…

35. Minty - July 9, 2008

Don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in a long while. Now I have to deal with this knot in my throat coz you’re leaving. You will come back? Yes you will. I’ll be here waiting.

36. boyfulan¿ - July 25, 2008

we shall meet mzeiyah.tumetoka mbali…..

37. ---Supreme-G.R.E.A.M--- - August 13, 2008

Its sad to loose such a writer.

Is there any of you out there who can take the mantle?

I found one who is close to what Modo was. She calls her self Ourkid

38. wathiifm - October 19, 2008

Sad you r leaving….

39. The attack of the hormones « Val’s Inbox - October 30, 2008

[…] should probably go along with Modo’s idea and get a mood billboard set up! Anyone with any ideas of how to set one […]

40. Minty - November 4, 2008

Just in case you check in here one of these days, I passed by.

41. mudskippah - November 20, 2008

neeeega the last time you blogged was lewa? at least you did not delete blog like i did. but i’ll be back buhuhuhuhahahahahha. update this story. because you were in lewa. VERY IN LEWA!

42. makanga - March 31, 2009

I got a ka-half ova hia for you to chug


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